insomnia

i have to work at 8am tomorrow, an 8 hour shift.  i know that doesn't seem like much but my body's not used to it and my legs end up stiff and aching by the end.  it's just after midnight now so i should be sleeping, but i'm not.  i wanted to talk but didn't have a chance.  i wish i didn't always want to talk.  i feel so drained right now.  a night spent with friends ought to recharge me, but i feel completely depleted instead.  will gave me a nice, tight hug when he left.  i wish he had held on longer.  i wanted just a moment to ask him one question, but it was interrupted.  i don't know when the next will be. 

a week and a half ago i was pulled over on the freeway.  the cop said he pulled me over for following too close, but that's the one traffic law i always obey.  i'm terrified of being in an accident that is my fault.  i don't have the money for that, so i make sure there is plenty of room between me and the person in front of me.  what makes it more suspicious is that the cop gave me a warning for that and instead wrote the ticket for not wearing a seatbelt.  meh, whatever.  it really upset me at first, now i just want to forget about it.  i know i'm right, and that's all that matters.  i had to go to court though.  it turned out to be nothing, but i was anxious and asked a couple different friends to go with me.  both said they would, neither did.  i know i have a problem with setting a high expectation for friends.  i haven't found a friend yet that fits the ideal.  i need to give up hoping and just be grateful that i have anyone at all.  but i have a need that isn't being filled.  i know the answer is in my hands, i should be able to fill my needs on my own...but i don't know how.

i'm working so hard and i have minor breakthroughs, but the numbness of yesterday has worn off and my heart hurts again.  i make up reasons for the pain because i don't actually know the reason.  it's been that way all my life...at least as long as i remember.  it just always hurts.  i ignore it.  i focus on it.  i balance ignoring and focusing.  i practice forgiveness and gratitude.  i read the scriptures and pray and go to the temple.  i give service.  i take care of everyone around me (often at the expense of myself)...i'm trying not to do that anymore.  i take care of others, but i'm trying to take care of myself at the same time...because if i don't take care of me no one will.

will said medication.  he said it was the right thing, that nothing else was more right than medication.  but it's not helping.  it makes me sleepy, heavy.  it makes my head hurt.  it makes me apathetic.  or am i just blaming the apathy on the medication.  i guess it could be helping some, it's been a few days since i sobbed uncontrollably for no apparent reason.  it could have aggravated the last cold sore outbreak, i can't think of anything else i did differently to make my whole mouth explode like it did.  i'm feeling very unsafe.  i don't know why, but until i feel safe again, i don't know how to function.  i feel safest with will, when it's just the two of us.  he's better than any medication...but the "detox" when i don't have time with him is worse than coming down from any medication.  i'm not sure what to do with that.  it's scary and frustrating.

how do i get to the point where i feel safe without any assistance at all?  how do i get to the point where my faith in God is enough to sustain me through the most difficult moments?

i don't know what to say to people when they ask me how i am these days.  i don't mean strangers, i lie to strangers because they don't care and i don't care if they care or not.  but what about people who are not strangers?  what about people who claim to be friends?  my home teacher text me today and asked how i am...i don't know how to answer, so i haven't answered...i forgot to answer.  now i don't know when to answer.  and i don't know what to say.  today was a good day (mostly). is that what i say?  what about when other friends who are not part of my inner circle (the ones who really know what's going on) ask if everything is ok?  how do i respond?  who understands?  who really cares and who can really help?  what if i'm pushing away the people who really can do something, and holding on to the ones who can't?  what if i let someone in who seems safe to begin with but then ends up destroying me again?  i don't know who to trust with what information. 

i have so much weighing on me and i want to put it down but i just don't know how.  i don't know where.  i don't know if i can do it on my own or if it's ok to ask for help. and if i do ask for help...who?  my therapist said it's okay that i'm not going to church right now.  i'm not apostate or even inactive, not exactly.  i know The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true.  i have a testimony of many principles and doctrines, and enough of a belief in the others that i can't step away indefinitely.  but it doesn't feel safe right now.  i could have gone to the ward where my records are, the ward where the artist goes, to the ward where chelle and hey-pay go, to my sister's ward, or to my parents' ward.  i stayed in bed or on the couch most of the day.  the thought of leaving the house made me too anxious.  i know i need to go, but i just feel incapable of forcing myself.  i'll get there, but for whatever reason, i'm not ready yet.  i'm sad and i'm afraid in a way that doesn't make sense to me, so how do i explain it to someone else in a way that makes them understand?  people who have never experienced anything like this lack compassion.  they think the answer is so simple, but it's complicated.  if it was so simple, i wouldn't be feeling the way i do after all the effort and time i've put into "fixing myself". 

it's after 1am now.  i really need to be sleeping.  my head hurts more now because the medication has set in and i should have been in bed hours ago.  but i'm afraid to go to bed.  i don't want to wake up in the morning.  i don't want to wake up ever.  i'm not suicidal.  i just don't want to do this anymore with such meager improvements and signs of progress.  i just want to sleep for a very, very long time.  if only that was a choice available to me.