hazard to myself

Pink's song has been going through my brain tonight. 
♫ so irritating, don't want to be my friend no more ♪ i wanna be somebody else ♪ cause i'm a hazard to myself ♪ don't let me get me ♪ i'm my own worst enemy ♫

my brain is the problem.  i'm too smart for my own good. all my problems are caused by myself...but i don't know how to fix any of them.  i'm so exhausted and confused.  i don't know how to (literally) change my mind.  i've been lying for so long i don't know how to tell the truth...mainly because i don't know what the truth is.  i've messed everything up and i don't know how to fix it.  i don't know what to do and no one else can see what's really wrong...so they either don't know how to help, or they don't want to help. 

i need people.  it's harder to lie, or to believe the lies when i'm surrounded by people.  i was getting better.  i was feeling better.  i felt peace and comfort and hope because there were people around me all the time.  i can't convince myself that no one cares if they are always there.  i'm a quality time love language person.  i feel loved when people give me their time and attention.  more and more the last few months people have gotten further and further away.  i've been spending more and more time alone recently.  the more i'm alone, the more i lose track of reality and truth.  Will convinced me to try medication, but the meds just make it worse.  he convinced me to try medication and then he went away.  he has no time for me now and the medication makes me worse.  i'm alone and i'm going completely out of my mind.  i can't make myself better if i'm alone.  the lies look like truth and the truth looks like lies and if i'm alone, there's no one to help me see the difference. 

what can i do when it's my own brain that is against me?  i can't reason myself through this because i can't see reason.  i can't see that anyone cares if they are never there.  how do i convince myself that anyone cares when my phone is empty and silent, when i am left so alone?  if no one cares there's no purpose, no point to my life.  if there's no purpose or point, why try...why live?

♫ i'm a hazard to myself ♪ don't let me get me ♪ i'm my own worst enemy ♫