Happy Christmas Day

Up until now the season hasn't been so great.  Thanksgiving through New Years is really hit or miss for me these days.  Thanksgiving was terrible this year.  The last few months haven't been great.  My circle of friends has altered and has become more scattered and sporadic.  I realized recently that most of the people who were in my great group of friends last year still think of me as a friend and have time for me sometimes, they just aren't organized and as readily available as they were before. 

I really liked feeling like I had finally found my place.  I had friends who wanted to hang out with me and talk with me.  I had friends who listened to me, depended on me to organize activities and such.  They called or texted and wanted me around.  Then people moved and got busy, or made new friends and I wasn't wanted or needed as much anymore.  Social paradigms shifted and I didn't have a place anymore.  By November, people were less and less available, and The Artist and Will both had girl friends...and I was lost and lonely. 

The holidays are not for the lonely. 

I've been dreading Christmas and New Year's Eve this year.  Work was stressful drudgery all week.  With the exception of Thursday, there were no activities with friends, no fun at all really.  I wanted to just skip past this week and go straight back to school.  No Christmas music, no Christmas movies (except the delightful evening with La-T and Hey Pay at the beginning of December), no reading my favorite Christmas books...I wanted nothing to do with Christmas at all. 

Friday was a really difficult day at work.  It was so busy I couldn't catch a breath.  I was supposed to go down to Lindon after to my friend's Christmas Adam party, but I was so depressed and exhausted that I couldn't.  I came home and curled up on the couch and watched While You Were Sleeping...which just made me cry because I felt like Lucy...so lonely, but without a guy in a coma to talk to.  No one was texting or calling me to do anything...no one wanted me around (no one who lives closer than Lindon anyway).  I tried not to think about everyone else doing things with their new friends and not including me.  I tried not to think about the family I don't have have (and may never have) and ache for so much this time of year.

Yesterday I woke up with a headache.  I didn't have to be to work until 1pm, but I was so tired and felt lousy all day.  My one solace was that my favorite Uncle was coming.  Then while at work I got a text from mom saying his flight had been delayed and he wouldn't make it until this afternoon.  With no snow, no uncle, no friends, nothing but wretchedness...I was ready to give up and sleep through Christmas. 

I worked the closing shift last night because my co-worker who was originally scheduled to close was married this year and needed the time off for family things.  I volunteered to work for her because it didn't seem right for her to have to miss out on being where she was wanted when I had no one wanting me there.  It wasn't a great night, but I worked with my favorite co-worker and was able to help her have a better night.  So two co-workers were helped by my willingness to be there...and I didn't spend the entire night alone.  One of my home teachers called me while I was at work, I guess just to wish me a happy Christmas, his message was a little jumbled.  It was nice that someone thought of me. 

When I got home from work, mom and dad were watching A Christmas Carol with George C. Scott as Ebeneezer Scrooge.  Instead of hiding in my cave to sulk, I watched the end with them.  We also watched Meet Me in St. Louis, not necessarily a classic Christmas flick but because Judy Garland sings Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas better than anyone, it's a must watch this time of year. 

Despite those little things that made Christmas Eve a little better than expected, I still felt lousy and depressed.  I set my alarm for 7:30am so I could get up and go to church this morning.  But when I woke up, the gloom wrapped around me and I rolled over to go back to sleep.  I couldn't bear the thought of going to church alone and lonely on Christmas day.  I don't have a place anymore.  I know I need to go to church and worship, and the social aspect doesn't matter...but it kind of does make a huge difference.  No one cares if I'm there.  No one wants me to sit with them, no one offers to save me a seat or ride with me.  It's a very lonely place right now.  I've been going to church at the institute for nearly nine years now.  It has never felt so foreign or cold or uninviting as it does now.  The family ward isn't any better, there's no place for me there either.  Those are my two options.  I don't know what to do.  I don't care if people judge me, they don't know, they don't understand how it feels.  They clearly don't care.  I'll try again in January.

Sorry, I didn't mean to get into that.  So, I was determined to sleep through Christmas, but I'm glad I didn't because I would have missed out on this:

I love my niece and nephews and I am so grateful for them.  I'm grateful that my dear Uncle made it in time for Christmas.  I'm grateful for my little brother and his sweet wife who I adore!  I'm grateful for my sister and her husband.  I'm grateful for my parents.  I had so much fun playing with my nephews and hanging out with my family today. 

I even received texts from a few friends.  I have plans with family this week while my Uncle is here.  I get a little break from the insanity that work has been.  Will's girl friend is out of town for the week so he said we can do something this week...and I even have plans for New Year's Eve!  Teddy invited me to his party (it's been a long time since I've seen him so I'll try to stop by after work), another old friend invited me to her party...but the majority of my evening will be spent with Pacman and Niffer at their first big party as a married couple.  Pacman's party last year was part of the best New Year's Eve ever...so I'm starting to feel more hopeful that, although the last few months have been some of the worst of my life, this year will end well. 

2011 was one of the best and worst years of my life so far.  So many great experiences...especially so much of the time I spent with Will...and then feeling like I lost everything...very bittersweet.  I hope next year will be better.  I hope next year will bring better friends (or renewed friendships with those I feel I've lost this year), better opportunities, and love.  I'm really ready for new love.  It's been long enough and I'm as recovered as I'm going to be from the Weasel and other relationship flops.  I really want new love in 2012...especially because I'm fairly certain that at least The Artist, and possibly Will, might be getting married (or at least close to it) by this time next year. 

It's late and I've become rambly, so it's time for sleeping now.

brighter

i'm not really sure what happened.  maybe it was tuesday night when The Artist came over and we went to dinner and watched some episodes of Community.  maybe it was wednesday night when Will came over after he got off work.  maybe it was the fun tri-birthday party i went to after i got off work on friday.  maybe it's that i have only one more final till this semester's over.  maybe it was my coworkers, talking with my psychiatrist, or La-T inviting me to go with her and some other girls to a concert (even though i had to work and couldn't go, i really appreciated the invitation).  maybe it was realizing that i like to cook and i've decided to make that a new hobby.  maybe it was buying two new pair of pants. maybe it was...i don't know...but whatever it was, i'm grateful.  this week was a lot better than the last few weeks have been.

i'm making plans.  i'm working more.  i'm one semester from graduating.  i'm glimpsing the light at the end of the tunnel.  i'm learning to accept what i can't change and change what i can.

sometime this week i unblocked the weasel from fb.  i looked him up and saw that he is uglier than i remember, he's gained weight, and all his posts are about sports.  i guess that was part of the closure i needed because i feel a lot lighter.  i don't need to think about him or worry about him anymore.

The Artist still wants to hang out even though he's dating someone.  Will said we're still friends and he still wants to do things too, even though he's involved with someone.  when i start to panic i really need to remember to just ask for a minute or two, or just tell him i'm afraid and he'll remind me it's okay.

i wish i had someone who wanted to be with me every day.  i wish i had someone who paid attention and could help me see when i'm starting to panic, or when i'm being irrational, then they could help me differentiate and distinguish the truth.  no one is with me enough to notice when i'm not myself.  i guess i have to figure out how to figure it out and fix it on my own.  it's okay.  i'll do it.  i'll figure it out one of these days.

the important thing is that i'm feeling better today and this should be a good week.

sometimes you have to hit the bottom before you can find the foundation and footing to climb again

i had a meltdown this week.  i've given the medication three months and it is past time to re-evaluate.  i should have listened to myself.  i've always known that medication was not the way for me to go...but now i can say i tried it and it's not for me.  so what is for me?  that's what i have to figure out.

i went to church today, arrived a little late, but got there and stayed until the end.  i even went to sunday school, which is something i haven't done in a long time.  the lesson spoke to me, it was just what i needed to hear.  now the key is remembering.  i really wish i could get a new brain for Christmas.  mine is really broken and i don't want to struggle so much anymore.  i don't know how to fix it. i still just don't know what to do.  but i'm not as hopeless as i have been.  i gave up and shut down.  i panicked and pushed almost everyone away...i don't want them to know how crazy i am...i don't want to hurt them.

i'm doing the best i know how, which hasn't been very good recently.  but i'm still trying.

i wish someone understood. i wish someone spoke my language

i wish someone cared enough to really try.  i wish someone would figure out how to read between the lines.  i wish reality was like the movies or television, that people really did do anything to help the ones they love.  that people really loved enough to be driven to help others.  maybe they are and maybe they do...but just not in my life.  words don't matter to most people these days.  they don't see the value in knowing how to use words to hide and/or reveal the truth.  i try to show my hand without revealing too much to the wrong people...but the right people don't exist in my life yet.  where do i need to go and what do i need to do to find those people?  i thought Will was one...but now it seems he's not.

why am i always left so alone in the worst and darkest moments?  or is my being left alone what causes the worst and darkest moments?  i'm not asking in a self-pitying way.  i'm asking so i can figure out the pattern and figure out how to stop it.  i'm best when i'm not alone.  i'm best when i at least feel i'm not alone. 

thursday and friday were horrible.  i was too alone too long.  having my parents around, always around, doesn't help.  they've never understood me, never tried to understand me.  my sister doesn't even try...for which i guess i'm grateful...she's always been the one who understood me least of all.  my brother, though...he might be what i need.  he might be one of those people i mentioned before.  he responds a little better than anyone else does, matching my song lyrics for ones of his own, or hugging me, making me feel a little better.

but i'm waiting for someone.  i feel, have always felt like somewhere in the world is someone who is exactly what i need.  but what if he never comes?  what if he doesn't actually exist?  what if...what if i never figure out the answers?  i'm so lost, so frustrated, so discouraged.  losing Will is really hard.  i want to say i'm sorry.  i want to say whatever he needs to hear to rewind our friendship and put it back into the good place.  but i've said too much already...and he's said before that if he hangs out with the people he wants to hang out with...which means, if he's not contacting me, it's because he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.  i guess i can't blame him.  he's had more than enough crazy in his life, i'm shocked he stayed as long as he did.  i wish he had stayed forever...but no one stays forever.

i think i better go to sleep now.  i'm so tried and i'm starting to lose it again.  i miss Will.  i'm hurt and discouraged that no one was there to fill the void...that's why i lost what little grasp i had this week. i don't really know what to do, and with every disappointment, i have less and less motivation or desire to keep trying.  i don't know what to do.

hazard to myself

Pink's song has been going through my brain tonight. 
♫ so irritating, don't want to be my friend no more ♪ i wanna be somebody else ♪ cause i'm a hazard to myself ♪ don't let me get me ♪ i'm my own worst enemy ♫

my brain is the problem.  i'm too smart for my own good. all my problems are caused by myself...but i don't know how to fix any of them.  i'm so exhausted and confused.  i don't know how to (literally) change my mind.  i've been lying for so long i don't know how to tell the truth...mainly because i don't know what the truth is.  i've messed everything up and i don't know how to fix it.  i don't know what to do and no one else can see what's really wrong...so they either don't know how to help, or they don't want to help. 

i need people.  it's harder to lie, or to believe the lies when i'm surrounded by people.  i was getting better.  i was feeling better.  i felt peace and comfort and hope because there were people around me all the time.  i can't convince myself that no one cares if they are always there.  i'm a quality time love language person.  i feel loved when people give me their time and attention.  more and more the last few months people have gotten further and further away.  i've been spending more and more time alone recently.  the more i'm alone, the more i lose track of reality and truth.  Will convinced me to try medication, but the meds just make it worse.  he convinced me to try medication and then he went away.  he has no time for me now and the medication makes me worse.  i'm alone and i'm going completely out of my mind.  i can't make myself better if i'm alone.  the lies look like truth and the truth looks like lies and if i'm alone, there's no one to help me see the difference. 

what can i do when it's my own brain that is against me?  i can't reason myself through this because i can't see reason.  i can't see that anyone cares if they are never there.  how do i convince myself that anyone cares when my phone is empty and silent, when i am left so alone?  if no one cares there's no purpose, no point to my life.  if there's no purpose or point, why try...why live?

♫ i'm a hazard to myself ♪ don't let me get me ♪ i'm my own worst enemy ♫

aptly titled

i'm definitely lost in lunacy more often than not these days.  panic, paranoia, pathological distrust of almost everyone.  pretty sure the medication hasn't done anything good and has simply pushed me closer to the edge.  maybe it's not the medication, i don't know.  last night i panicked.  i am terrified of losing Will because his presence in my life is better than any drug anyone could ever take.  i don't understand it and i'm trying not to question it and just enjoy it, but every miniscule inconsistency or alteration in his behavior sends me into complete madness, certain he's finally had enough of me and that he'll disappear. i don't know how to get rid of this fear.  i don't know how to trust him when he says he's sticking around.  i don't know what to do when he does eventually leave...because he probably will eventually leave. everyone does...right?  maybe not.  maybe he won't have to leave.  the relationship will have to change, but other relationships will come to soften the impact.  and as long as he's still around, maybe it'll be ok. 

i wish i could understand why and how he affects me the way he does.  but i don't understand.  all i know is that no matter how much darkness surrounds me, all it takes is one text from him or one second with him and the mist clears and i start to rise.  it's not infatuation or even romantic notions. i can't explain it and i don't really have to.  all i know is that i don't want to live without him...at least until i figure out how to feel the way i feel with him (consistently) when he's not around.

but that's only part of it.  i'm not a one-sided person.  i'm not a taker, i've a giver or a give-and-taker.  he says he needs me too.  he won't tell me how or what exactly he needs from me, but he sticks around despite my lunacy and my regular attempts to push him away.  he can't be that selfless, can he?  maybe.  i know he needed me for a while.  he's never said it in so many words, but he's alluded, and he text, called, and spent a lot of time with me for a while...and at the time it wasn't because i needed him.  we get each other on a level that most others don't.  we're alike in some pretty significant ways and it seems that when i'm crazy, he's sane...and maybe when he was crazy, i was sane?  i love him in the deepest places in my heart, and i will always be available to support and comfort him if he needs it.  i see him differently than most.  i see a lot of what he doesn't show.  i see the greatness and goodness in him.  i need him...and he needs me to need him?  helping others makes him feel better...i know that one because it's how i am. i forgot that.

last night i panicked.  i cried myself to sleep.  i woke up this morning praying, once again, that if God cared anything about me that he'd just have mercy and take me home already.  i fretted and tantrumed all morning.  then i got a text from Will...spontaneous and funny...and i started to feel better.  i wrote, a lot.  i wrote out all the lunacy and then it turned into logic.

Will and i text for a while.  i realized that all i need to do to get him to talk to me is ask him direct questions and wait for the answers.  he's getting better at responding again.  maybe he needs to talk. maybe he wants me to ask?  i don't know. 

my RS president asked if she could take me to dinner.  at first i didn't want to go, but i'm so very glad i did.  i think she needs a new friend at least as much as i do.  i don't know why but i opened up in a way i usually don't with people i don't really know.  i told her things only a very select few know.  she told me things too and we've agreed to be friends. i think that she is part of God's mercy. 
la-t text me, asking how i am and telling me she cares.   HT text me too...he said i'm not alone in how i feel so alone even when i'm not alone.  he was checking up on me and letting me know he cares.  more mercy.  one of these days maybe i'll see the mercy before the panic and tantrum.  i'm grateful that God understands and that He is so very merciful.  i'm grateful for friends who, even if they don't understand exactly, forgive me and love me and offer to be there for me when i need them. 

i can't do this alone. i can't get through this or overcome this alone...and i'm finally beginning to see that maybe i'm not as alone as i think i am.

i wish you needed me too

i really need a hand to hold, loving arms to block out the cold.
instead i'm alone with this endless rain and the wretched throbbing in my brain.
it doesn't matter how i try, i'll never be ready to say goodbye.
you're not exactly gone, but everything has changed
the world keeps spinning round, it'll never be the same.
i wish someone would listen and show that they care
my words fall into the void, there's nobody there.

i can't do this.  i knew it was coming but i'm not ready.  i know, i'll never be ready for this...and he doesn't have a clue.  i've tried to tell him why it's so important, but he doesn't get it at all.  so i'm here, alone, drowning in my endless tears.  i have no one.  no one understands.  no one cares.
i wish i either didn't know what i know, or that i knew more than i know.  i know just enough to keep me here, but not enough to find peace, hope, faith, or patience.

it's never going to end.  every good moment is just a precursor to misery.  if i'd never known life with having him around it wouldn't hurt so much to be without him.  i've been praying for months that i wouldn't be left alone...that someone would come into my life to fill at least some of the enormous void that will be left when he is gone.  but now, he's all but gone...and i'm more alone than i've ever been.  he made it easier.  the moments i had with him were the only peaceful and hopeful ones i've ever had.  i can't explain because i don't understand.  he just made me feel not so alone.  i liked him better when he was a mess too...because then he needed me too.  now he doesn't.  i still need him, but he doesn't need me anymore.  now he's gone and i don't want to try anymore.

do you want the truth?

"how are you this day?" he sent the message on facebook.  he could have sent it in a text, or called...or come over...but he didn't really want to talk.  i haven't messaged back and i'm not going to.  i text a question last week and he said he wasn't in a chatty mood, so i left him alone.  a couple hours later he messaged me on facebook.  i messaged back but got no response.  i heard nothing from him for three days.  last night i couldn't stand the silence so i asked if we could talk.  he said he'd call but i didn't want to talk on the phone.  he didn't have time for me.  he was just fitting me in.  i'm not important, i'm not necessary, i'm worthless.

i don't know what i did, but i seem to be doing it to everyone.  no one wants me around anymore.

i don't know if it's me...or the drugs...or a combination of both...but it's getting worse.  i go to school but have no real interest and little to no significant contact with anyone.  i go to work and make it through the shift (work is better because i'm playing a role so it's easier to lie; it's professional, not personal).  the rest of the time i'm at home, hiding in my cave, praying that God will help, just take me home, or take the rest of my sanity so i can off myself. 

it's better when i'm with people, but there are fewer and fewer people who want to be around me.  that could just be the paranoia that seems to have intensified.  ampo is the only one who has reason to avoid me.  i may have raised my voice a bit when he wasn't out of bed when i arrived at her house with my dad's truck to help her move a table...i guess i'm the jerk after all...the person always willing to help someone in need...or just in want.

i'm locking myself away so i don't get upset when other people are inconsiderate...

so when the doc asks me if i'm irritable, i should say yes.  and when he asks about the crying i need to tell him the dam has sprung a leak.  my head hurts more.  all i want to do is sleep and watch tv.  i don't even want to eat.

when i was surrounded by people i thought cared, i was better.  now i have almost no one and i'm nearly catatonic at times.  what's the point of living when no one cares you're alive?  people say they care, but they don't visit, don't invite me to things...words are cheap and useless without action.  if someone would show a genuine interest in my existence, it would really help.  but no one cares.

so, what do i say when people ask, "how are you?"
they don't really want the truth.  they want me to say i'm fantastic, wonderful, never better.
if i say, "not so good" they feel obligated to ask if there's anything they can do. 
nope. it doesn't count if i have to tell you...it's just obligation. 

what do you want when you are feeling down, forgotten, unwanted?  you want someone to SHOW they care that you are alive and significant in their life.  thursday, friday and saturday last week i didn't get a single text from anyone.  la-t text me on sunday saying it was good to see me in church.  that was nice and i appreciate her kindness.  i have bestest friend, i've been spending a lot of time at her house.  thursday wasn't so bad because i hung out with bestest friend and shygirl.  but friday's silence killed me, especially since i was supposed to be going to a concert with will but he never mentioned to me that it was sold out...or that there was another one scheduled for tonight.  i only know that because he posted it on another friend's wall on facebook.  i'm sure he never intended to hurt me.  he didn't even think of me at all.  but that's what hurts the most.  you think about the people you care about.  you respond to the people you care about.  to talk to the people you care about.

i keep asking him the same questions over and over because i don't trust that he's telling me the truth when he says he cares.  i don't trust him because of moments like this.  moments when his actions speak louder than his words.

i need people to be happy.  i don't need people to survive.  so i'll survive.  i care too much about other people to inflict them with my wretchedness.  will has had enough crazy in his life.  when i found out he understood i should have made him leave.  but i needed someone who understood.  i need him.  i need someone and he's been better than anyone with understanding and sticking around.  but he's getting better and i'm getting worse.  he convinced me to take the drugs and i've only gone downhill.  the more distance there is between us, the worse i get.  i can't depend on him and he deserves better than having to deal with me.  so i'm not going to respond.  it's for his good.  i want him to be happy, even if it means i wish i could blow out my brains to make my head stop throbbing, or rip out my heart to make the pain go away.

i know it sounds dramatic, but you're not in my head, you can't feel my pain.
please don't ask me how i am.  i don't have the energy to lie anymore and i don't want your obligatory pity.  if you genuinely care, show me.  don't ask me.

falling

i used to be so strong, steady

belaying all within my sight

others looked to me for guidance

my vision was so clear and bright

one wrong step and then another
grip and instinct, strength all failing

smashed against the rocks a-tumbling

head dizzy, spinning round and down

i fell apart, can't stop falling

by now i should have hit the ground

in pieces, shattered and calling

when will the healer come around

inside, outside, all around me

crumbling, decaying, blacking bones

aching, bleeding, crushing anger

locks me in huddled, shivering fright

teardrops flooding, icy, freezing

halting flow of life-giving blood

paralyzing apprehension

strangles screams for assisting light

i fell apart, can't stop falling

by now i should have hit the ground

in pieces, shattered and calling

when will the healer come around

i've pushed away the willing hand

afraid to trust and fall again

hiding in a cave of darkness

clinging to silent hurt and fear

where is solace, clear perspective

truth that will calm this anxious heart

where is the friend and confidant

anchored, secure in towering climb

i fell apart, can't stop falling

by now i should have hit the ground

in pieces, shattered and calling

when will the healer come around

now and then a peaceful moment

flickers through the oppressive gloom

teaching me to keep on grasping

clutching tightly to cracking rock

when i can’t hold any longer

he hears the plea i cannot voice

reaching out, he tempers the pace

in his hand, only, lies relief

fell apart, now i’ve stop falling

finally landed on the ground

he found my shards, heard my calling

master healer has come around

back to the basics

i went to bed depressed last night.  will said he'd had a rough day and wasn't in a chatting mood...then he was on fb talking to other people, so it wasn't that he didn't want to chat, he just didn't want to chat with me.  i won't be contacting him again.  if he wants to talk to me, he'll initiate.

it seems that most of my "friends" are either sick of me or have allowed me to push them away...or both.  loneliness is what i know...so while i don't want to be alone, it's a sort of bittersweet comfort zone. 

if everyone leaves...

ok, i don't want to go there...

the point is, one person is still with me.  the one person who has always been with me and will always be with me...Bestest Friend.  i've been spending a lot of time at her house recently.  she's my new safe place, well, actually, my renewed safe place.  she knows me completely and loves me anyway.  she misses me when we don't talk.  she needs me as much as i need her...and she makes sure i know.

i'm tired.  i'm tired of being anxious.  i'm tired of not having a place...or not knowing my place.  i'm tired of being tired.  i'm tired of being lonely.  i'm tired of being misunderstood and invisible.  i'm tired of just being.  i'm tired of caring about people and being considerate of people who don't care and aren't considerate of me.  i either need to stop feeling altogether or become a sort of recluse.  i'll go to work and school...and bestest friend's house, and that is all.  no one will care.  no one will notice.  but it doesn't matter if they do or if they don't.  bestest friend is the only one who knows me or really cares about me so she's the only one who matters.  she's really the only one who has ever mattered.  i've undervalued her in the past and i will do all i can to not do that again.  she's my basics.  she's the cushion on my foundation that makes it easier to rely on the rock.  or maybe it's more like she's my tether. she keeps me sane and grounded.  she holds on to me when i start flying away.  she reels me in when i go too far.

i'm so thankful for my bestest friend.

tenderheart bear

in the world in my head, the one in which i function best, i'm the heroine.  my good traits are all that matter; my bad traits have no power over me.  i act and react perfectly.  the people i love see what i see: that if only they would let me, i could be what they need.

thing is, in reality, even if i am what they need, if they don't think so, i have no power to do any good at all.

blah blah blah

life is strange.  feelings, needs, wants, agency (of self and others)...and how it affects and is affected by God. 

i feel very strongly about people.  i have been given the gift/curse of compassionate empathy.  i feel what others feel.  i feel enough, anyway, that i can reasonably surmise what would help.  but if they don't ask, if they are not open to receiving, if i'm not the one they want to help...there's nothing i can do...except feel, and pray.

i have a talent for understanding, but people don't want me to understand...they don't want me for anything.  what am i supposed to do with that?

is there anyone out there who does need me and/or want me?  why can't i find them?  i'm wasting away.  i feel too much and i can't do anything useful with what i know.

pain isn't worth it unless it's useful.

i wish i knew

i seem to be in the process of isolating myself.  it's curious.  i'm not sure whether or not it's a good sign.  on the one hand, it's good that i'm not dependent on other people for my sanity, well-being, or entertainment...on the other hand, a prolonged lack of companionship, or complete isolation can cause bigger issues.  if i'm introverting due to fear, anxiety, or as a way of hiding from others, or simply because it's easier than being with people, that's probably not good.  if i'm introverting because i'm recentering myself in order to be a more effective and useful citizen of the planet, that's okay.

i'm afraid i'm hiding out.  i'm afraid i've become so overwhelmed by life and certain people that i'm burrowing into my hole in order to escape the stress of not knowing what to do.  i'm trying to convince myself that i don't need others for my stability and security...and i'm accepting that no one will really be at all (at least negatively) affected by my absence.

i don't know where to be.  school is okay.  work is fine (they like me there and i feel competent there).  but socially, and as far as church goes, i still feel like i don't have a place anywhere.  socially, whatever, i've accepted that i don't need to be part of a group and that it's probably better for me to cultivate my individual relationships instead of trying to assimilate into an existing social group or create a new one.  alone time, one-on-one time, groups of three or four...that's good enough for me for now. 

but church...i really need to figure that one out.  i need to go to church.  my avoidance has nothing to do with the doctrine or my testimony...it's about my anxiety.  i don't know where to go where i won't be overwhelmed by my anxiety.  i don't have a place, i don't fit in anywhere, and i can't seem to find the courage to push through and just go where i'm assigned.  i don't need someone to hold my hand...well, that would help, but ya know...i just need a place that feels safe.  church should feel safe, right?  i know i need to force myself to go next week.  i just don't know how.  i don't know what would help.

looking up

i've never been very good at taking care of myself.  i've always been a bleeding heart; trying so hard to take care of everyone else to the detriment of myself.  there must be a way of taking care of others and myself...but i'm on a teeter-totter, sometimes taking care of me, sometimes taking care of others.  i need a balance beam.  i need to put blocks under both sides to stop the all-or-nothing, one up means the other must be down way of living.  friendship isn't meant to be a teeter-totter.  ideal friendship is balanced, both giving, both receiving, a relatively equal share to both people in the relationship.  ups and downs are normal, but they shouldn't be constant, and in good friendships, there are more ups than downs when we work together.

i've been irritable recently.  i've been letting my irritation show a little more than i usually do.  i'm tired of feeling like people are taking me for granted, feeling like i allow them to walk all over me and disregard my feelings.  i'm hyper sensitive right now and it's put me on edge...and on the defensive.  i don't feel safe most of the time these days.  the only place i feel truly safe is with Will or The Artist.

Will convinced me to go tonight.  i felt anxious and uncomfortable at first, certain i'd made a mistake.  i wanted to run away when they said we were going to break into pairs.  certain i'd be the odd one out that no one care if i came back or not, my game plan was to slip away silently and just go home.  but i forced myself to stay and ended up with Will and La-T.  as usual, being with Will diffused my anxiety (though it did take a little longer than normal after the punch in the gut i'd gotten earlier from ampo).  La-T seemed genuinely glad to see me.  and i was genuinely glad to see her.  i stuck pretty close to Will all night, but i felt comfortable with most (maybe even all) the other people who were there.

while i was at work i started thinking about tonight and my anxiety started to rise.  it's been a few weeks since i've been anywhere near queen bee.  i told Will after last week's cabin fiasco that i had finally decided that i didn't need them to like me, i didn't need to fit in.  i text Will from work, told him i was feeling skittish and asked if i was just being paranoid and insecure.  he said i was just being paranoid, it would be fun and i should go.  after the altercation with ampo i text Will again and said it was a bad day and i was afraid of dissolving into tears if i went so i better not go.  he told me to breathe, eat some ice cream and watch some Big Bang.  i did, felt better enough to get in my car and drive toward queen bee's.  i got there at the same time as my hometeacher and his fantastically fun girlfriend. i was relieved to not have to walk in alone.

i don't know if Will said something, or if tonight was just a good night, but i actually felt accepted by pretty much everyone there...even qb.  maybe it's because i stopped caring if they wanted me there or not.  maybe because i've been getting to know them as individuals (with two of them as my hometeachers, and one a visiting teaching companion) instead of seeing them as an impenetrable whole.  they accept me and are kind to me on an individual basis, so when we're all together, i can see them as those individuals instead of qb's minions.  i know, it's an unfair and inaccurate judgement.  i'm sorry i didn't see it or figure it out to begin with.  it felt like my childhood, the popular kids allowing me around in order to use me then dropkick me as soon as i was no longer useful.  or...just not paying any attention to me at all. 

i've been trying to stop fighting the inevitable changes.  i've been working on being okay with being alone.  i've been working on setting boundaries that allow me to take care of myself so that i'll be able to open my heart to others without the fear of it being crushed and torn to bits again.  i've been working on enjoying my family.  i've been working on not being so dependent on Will.  i've been working on being more positive (at least outwardly).  i hit rock bottom, but now i'm looking up.

Halloween

it's not my favorite holiday, but this year was pretty great

dinner with the family

mom went all-out with festive foods

 witchy potatoes

mummy meatloaf

 deviled egg eyeballs

 

ghosty punch

 

witch hat cookies

then pictures of the cutest kids in their costumes

 brooke and pumkin charlie!

wolverine, pumkin, ladybug, elmo with frito-bandito (grandpa)

 ladybug megan and me

 me and the cutest kidlets

  the cute kidlets with grandma

 elmo and wolverine, ready for trick or treating

then for some trick or treating

how fortuitous! bestest friend showed up just as we reached her parents' house

 bestest friend's cute little sisters and niece with a neighbor girl

elmo looking for goodies!

after visiting for a few minutes i went home to wait for other friends.

will suggested we listen to a radio broadcast of Dracula.  sme listened with us.  r-d, the artist and nat got there toward the end.  ampo and hey-pay showed up a little later.  

we didn't have any halloween movies so 

we watched episodes of big bang theory (including two halloween ones)

all in all, it was a pretty good day!  i got to hang out with all my favorite people!

insomnia

i have to work at 8am tomorrow, an 8 hour shift.  i know that doesn't seem like much but my body's not used to it and my legs end up stiff and aching by the end.  it's just after midnight now so i should be sleeping, but i'm not.  i wanted to talk but didn't have a chance.  i wish i didn't always want to talk.  i feel so drained right now.  a night spent with friends ought to recharge me, but i feel completely depleted instead.  will gave me a nice, tight hug when he left.  i wish he had held on longer.  i wanted just a moment to ask him one question, but it was interrupted.  i don't know when the next will be. 

a week and a half ago i was pulled over on the freeway.  the cop said he pulled me over for following too close, but that's the one traffic law i always obey.  i'm terrified of being in an accident that is my fault.  i don't have the money for that, so i make sure there is plenty of room between me and the person in front of me.  what makes it more suspicious is that the cop gave me a warning for that and instead wrote the ticket for not wearing a seatbelt.  meh, whatever.  it really upset me at first, now i just want to forget about it.  i know i'm right, and that's all that matters.  i had to go to court though.  it turned out to be nothing, but i was anxious and asked a couple different friends to go with me.  both said they would, neither did.  i know i have a problem with setting a high expectation for friends.  i haven't found a friend yet that fits the ideal.  i need to give up hoping and just be grateful that i have anyone at all.  but i have a need that isn't being filled.  i know the answer is in my hands, i should be able to fill my needs on my own...but i don't know how.

i'm working so hard and i have minor breakthroughs, but the numbness of yesterday has worn off and my heart hurts again.  i make up reasons for the pain because i don't actually know the reason.  it's been that way all my life...at least as long as i remember.  it just always hurts.  i ignore it.  i focus on it.  i balance ignoring and focusing.  i practice forgiveness and gratitude.  i read the scriptures and pray and go to the temple.  i give service.  i take care of everyone around me (often at the expense of myself)...i'm trying not to do that anymore.  i take care of others, but i'm trying to take care of myself at the same time...because if i don't take care of me no one will.

will said medication.  he said it was the right thing, that nothing else was more right than medication.  but it's not helping.  it makes me sleepy, heavy.  it makes my head hurt.  it makes me apathetic.  or am i just blaming the apathy on the medication.  i guess it could be helping some, it's been a few days since i sobbed uncontrollably for no apparent reason.  it could have aggravated the last cold sore outbreak, i can't think of anything else i did differently to make my whole mouth explode like it did.  i'm feeling very unsafe.  i don't know why, but until i feel safe again, i don't know how to function.  i feel safest with will, when it's just the two of us.  he's better than any medication...but the "detox" when i don't have time with him is worse than coming down from any medication.  i'm not sure what to do with that.  it's scary and frustrating.

how do i get to the point where i feel safe without any assistance at all?  how do i get to the point where my faith in God is enough to sustain me through the most difficult moments?

i don't know what to say to people when they ask me how i am these days.  i don't mean strangers, i lie to strangers because they don't care and i don't care if they care or not.  but what about people who are not strangers?  what about people who claim to be friends?  my home teacher text me today and asked how i am...i don't know how to answer, so i haven't answered...i forgot to answer.  now i don't know when to answer.  and i don't know what to say.  today was a good day (mostly). is that what i say?  what about when other friends who are not part of my inner circle (the ones who really know what's going on) ask if everything is ok?  how do i respond?  who understands?  who really cares and who can really help?  what if i'm pushing away the people who really can do something, and holding on to the ones who can't?  what if i let someone in who seems safe to begin with but then ends up destroying me again?  i don't know who to trust with what information. 

i have so much weighing on me and i want to put it down but i just don't know how.  i don't know where.  i don't know if i can do it on my own or if it's ok to ask for help. and if i do ask for help...who?  my therapist said it's okay that i'm not going to church right now.  i'm not apostate or even inactive, not exactly.  i know The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is true.  i have a testimony of many principles and doctrines, and enough of a belief in the others that i can't step away indefinitely.  but it doesn't feel safe right now.  i could have gone to the ward where my records are, the ward where the artist goes, to the ward where chelle and hey-pay go, to my sister's ward, or to my parents' ward.  i stayed in bed or on the couch most of the day.  the thought of leaving the house made me too anxious.  i know i need to go, but i just feel incapable of forcing myself.  i'll get there, but for whatever reason, i'm not ready yet.  i'm sad and i'm afraid in a way that doesn't make sense to me, so how do i explain it to someone else in a way that makes them understand?  people who have never experienced anything like this lack compassion.  they think the answer is so simple, but it's complicated.  if it was so simple, i wouldn't be feeling the way i do after all the effort and time i've put into "fixing myself". 

it's after 1am now.  i really need to be sleeping.  my head hurts more now because the medication has set in and i should have been in bed hours ago.  but i'm afraid to go to bed.  i don't want to wake up in the morning.  i don't want to wake up ever.  i'm not suicidal.  i just don't want to do this anymore with such meager improvements and signs of progress.  i just want to sleep for a very, very long time.  if only that was a choice available to me.

where i am

i've been spending a lot more time alone recently.  i'm getting back to being content on my own...though i think it's mainly due to the medication.  it's more of an apathy.  i haven't done much uncontrollable sobbing this week, that's an improvement i suppose.  the tears have been pretty dry altogether actually.  the last few days have been especially clear and rational.  i was confronted with a couple of situations that a week and a half ago would have sent me into a flood, but i got through them without too much trouble.

i was a wreck last sunday.  i didn't get out of bed until noon then after faking it through two visiting teaching appointments, i went and sat by the river and wrote in my journal.  most of the time i was begging god to take me home and not make me stay any longer.  no one was there.  no one cared.  no one saw my distress.  then bestest friend came to the rescue.  she did what i needed.  she came from north salt lake and sat with me.  she listened.  she stayed with me.  she reminded me why i hold on.  most of the time, i hold on just for her.  i spent most of monday afternoon and evening with her too.
tuesday i worked just over 8 hours because my coworker went home with a backache and i had to cover for her.  i was okay with it though.  i really need the money and i just worked on price changes most of the day.  i went home and watched House.  the artist asked if i wanted to watch captain america sometime soon.  i told him we could wednesday or thursday.  he said wednesday was best so i sent out a text to see who could come.  i didn't get a lot of response but will said he'd come if he didn't have a date.
he came.
for one evening it was almost like old times.  the artist, will, another old guy friend, and one female friend...and me.  all people who care about me.  all people who love me just the way i am.  all people who wanted to be with me.  people who know me, understand me, and are truly there for me.  it felt so good to be with people who sincerely wanted to be with me.

thursday was good.  i worked another 8 hour shift, covering for a different coworker.  i stayed up too late working on a couple of papers.  friday i was tired, but okay.  i went home from school and curled up on the couch.  i watched house until i realized i wasn't paying attention anymore.  i got pola and we went to leatherby's for some ice cream then met will at walmart.  he had called me thursday night while i was at work and said he wanted to ask me something.  we didn't talk until friday night before pola and i went to leatherby's.  he said they were going to his cabin saturday evening and told me i should come after work.  i said i probably would...but then he text me and asked if i could bring a date. "it's kind of a couples thing" he said.  i told him i couldn't make it.  it was planned.  it had been planned for quite a while and i was not invited.  he didn't plan it.  queen bee was the driving force.  she's the one who didn't want me or pola there.  i don't know for sure, but i don't think la-t was invited either.  will wanted us there.  when i told him i didn't have enough gas he said he'd give me money to buy some.  i told him i didn't want to be where i'm not wanted.  he said he wanted me there.  i said he was the only one who wanted me there or i would have been invited sooner.  i told him i'm finally accepting the fact that i'm not going to be invited into the group and i'm tired of trying. 

i have people who love me, people who genuinely want me around. they are the people who contact me regularly, a few of them nearly every day.  they aren't a group.  they are individuals.  but that's okay.  i don't need to be distracted by a group anymore.  i need individuals i can trust to be there when i really need them.  very few people fit that description.  bestest friend and her husband, will, pola, the artist...and that's about it.  these are the few who have stuck by me even when i'm at my worst.  these are the day-to-day people, the only true friends i have.  these are the people who understand.

after walmart on friday night, pola and i went to my house and watched some episodes of big bang theory.  saturday morning i got up and spent some alone time with will.  it was nice.  we didn't really talk about anything...until we were almost back to his car.  he apologized for his thoughtlessness the night before.  he apologized for not making sure i was invited earlier.  he told me he really wanted me to go with them to his cabin.  i appreciated his apology.  i told him i was sorry i couldn't go, but that i've finally accepted that they don't want me around and i'm okay with it.  i told him i'll be there and be nice when he invites me but i can't sneak in where i know i'm not wanted anymore.

i fought for him months ago, even though i knew i should let go.  he surprised me though, and turned out to be a really great friend.  any other guy would have run away long ago.  but he understands what i'm going through.  he doesn't judge, he listens, he shows me he cares...and he's been there, all along.  you know the moments when i panic and think he's going to leave?  he's not.  i'm terrified to trust him, because i'm terrified to trust anyone.  but i do trust him.  he's proven over and over that he cares and that he's not going away.

i need people i can trust; people who understand what i'm going through, or who at least love me enough to stay by my side, check in on me daily or at least a few times a week.  i need people who are safe and who make me feel safe.  i need people who will sit and stare at me until i tell them what's really on my mind.  i need people who will reassure me over and over and over without getting annoyed or fed up.  i need people who won't give up on me.  bestest friend, will, the artist, and sometimes pola.  they're the only ones who look for me until they find me when i disappear.  they're the ones who know that i'm so much more than just the darkness and anxiety.  they're the ones who know i'm a lot of fun, but also know how to make me talk when they recognize i need it. they are all i need. and i'm grateful they are who i have.

grasping at air

what do you do when you feel yourself falling but there's nothing to hold on to?  just release, let yourself fall.  tensing will only make you crack when you hit the ground. 

i stopped crying.  now i'm wrapped in apathy.  my brain is foggy and my heart is constricted.  i just want to sleep.  when i can't sleep anymore i pull my knees to my chest and stare at the tv.  it's my choice, right?  well, i choose isolation.

it started months ago.  will and la-t chose queen bee over me, and qb doesn't like me, so i'm out.  i fought for will because i couldn't stand to lose my last happy thought.  i tried to be friends with qb and her horde of worker bees.  i wracked my brain and did everything i could to fit in and be accepted into the hive.  but it never worked.  i'm an outsider.  i was tolerated when will let me in but never actually wanted.

so, i've decided to stop trying.  i'm accepting that i'm not a bee welcome in this hive.  in fact, i'm not a bee at all. 

will's a morpher.  he can transform into whatever he needs to be to fit in.  he doesn't on purpose, it just comes naturally to him.  i can't fault him for it.  he goes where he wants, when he wants.  he does what he wants regardless of what anyone else thinks or feels or wants.

he wanted us there so he invited us, last minute, without really thinking anything through.  qb didn't want us there.  she set it up from the start to exclude us.  i told him it's okay, and it is.  i had a better time at a party with people who wanted me there than i would have had with them (even with will there).  i'm letting go.  it's most likely the drug-induced apathy, but whatever it is, it dulls the pain. 

i'm checking out.  most people will be better off without me around; that's obvious because they've been perfectly fine without me for the last month and a half (and longer).  i'm tired of wanting to be with people who don't want me around.  it's exhausting to care so much about people who care nothing for me.  with a few exceptions, i openly accept people.  i try to befriend people.  why can't we all just get along?  why can't we all just open our arms to each other and be content together?  why do we have to exclude and shun people who maybe aren't quite the same?  now and then i do it too, that's why i say "we," no one is perfect, no one can love everyone all the time.

i'm falling.  i'm not sure if i jumped, was pushed, or if it was some sort of accident (a slip or a stumble).  all i know is that i'm falling and i can't find anything to hold on to.  i want to go to church.  i want to rely on God.  i want to put into practice all the things i've studied and been taught.  but i can't seem to get up the motivation to do what needs to be done.  i just want to forget about everything and let myself fall forever.  that doesn't work though.  there's always a bottom, always a sudden thud at the end.  i'm just waiting to hit. 

i don't care today.  i don't want to see or talk to anyone.  i don't even want to see will.  i'm letting go.  i know he cares, he says he needs me but i don't see why or how.  he'll probably benefit the most from my absence.  i'm still here if he needs me, i'm just not allowing myself to need him anymore.  i'm not allowing myself to need anyone anymore.  i need to see myself as in control.  will unwittingly gave me permission to fall apart and i jumped on it.  but now i can't stop.  it has to be my choice.  but i don't know how to make that choice.  it's up to me.  no one else can do it for me.  only i can choose to do what is necessary.  a good support system would be nice, but at this point i don't know that it would make much difference.

i have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but i don't know how to say what i need to say in order for her to know how to help me.  i don't know what's really wrong.  i don't know the root, all i know is that i'm apathetic and exhausted. 

i didn't go to church today because i didn't have anything to wear, or any energy to shower and fix my hair.  i want to quit and give up.  i want to be done.  there's nothing anyone else can do to help me, and i don't have the energy or desire to help myself.