far far away

i miss Will. can't tell him...i want him to be active in my life because he wants to be, not because i beg him or trick him or guilt him into it. it's difficult and heartbreaking to care about someone even after they've stopped caring about you. it's frustrating and discouraging to want to be with someone who no longer wants to spend time with you. and it's devistating when someone you once talked deeply and nearly daily with barely has time (or maybe just desire) to meet for lunch. it breaks me to lose people, especially people I was once close to, and people who have made a significant difference for good in my life. i miss him...but if life has taught me anything, it's that there's nothing i can do but try to let go...try to forget so it doesn't hurt to miss him. and, do better in the future with guarding myself. i let myself hope, once again, like the idiot i am, that he was different, that he would be a true friend and stick around...but now i see that is impossible, it will never be. ah, but that's because of me...isn't it? if i could figure out how to stop being a wretched spastic freak, maybe someone would stay. i'm so much better than i was. the medication magnified instead of sedating my symptoms, but i'm free of the medication now and in better control. i'm taking baby steps. i'm over my breakdown and slowly beginning to move forward. my anxiety is still a bit high in certain social situations (which i've been doing my best to avoid) and so i'm fairly self contained these days. i'm not really depressed these days; not particularly happy, but content enough. it would be nice if i could go to sleep tonight and just not wake up in the morning...but that's not likely. i just want to rest in peace... that's one of the things i miss most about Will. he has this strange calming and comforting affect on me that i have yet to find anywhere else. i feel better with him. but why should that matter? he has his own life, why should he give a damn about me? why should anyone?

embrace the lonely

i'm acclimating to being alone.  i'm not sure what happened exactly, why i have become so antisocial.  too much loss, too much betrayal, too much rejection...i suppose.  i found what i wanted.  i basked in it for a while.  i lived the closest i've ever come to the life of my dreams.  there were a couple significant aspects missing, but it was close enough.  as always, though, the fulfillment of my dreams was just out of my reach.  i haven't figured out how to grasp it just yet, so i'm accepting the fact that i'm going to be alone and lonely for a while.

it seems that everyone around me is moving in the direction i want to be going, but i can't figure out how to go that way.  i'm not going the opposite direction, it's more like i'm cutting crossways at an angle.  i'm progressing, just not the same way others are.

three weeks ago i graduated with my bachelor degree.  i realize that comparatively that's no great accomplishment, but i'm the first female in my family, second member altogether, to complete a bachelor degree, so it's kind of important.  i didn't do school the way most others do.  it's taken a long time.  if i had it to do over again i would change a lot of things.  but i don't, so i guess there's purpose in the way my life has gone.  i wish i could find some insight, but there really isn't any except that for whatever reason i am where i am and have come the way i have and somehow it is all for my good and benefit.

hermit

i realize i've kind of been stuck in a pity party for a while.  just as i began to think happiness was an option, life took a sudden, unexpected detour and i crashed...again.  now i'm hiding.  i don't fit into society anymore.  somewhere i recrossed a threshold and now i'm back to being 14 years old with one or two real friends and surrounded by people who could care less if i exist.  where went all the people who care about me?  i needed kindness and support, friendship and love, and i was given silence, rejection, and loneliness.  well, whatever. 

i stopped writing.  i stopped caring.  i stopped trying. 

when i wasn't at work or school, i took up residence on the couch in the downstairs TV room.  no one wanted me anywhere else, so i locked myself away and lost myself in the fantasies of others.  distraction is best when you're your own worst enemy.

how do i hold on to myself when the world shifts that way?  how do i maintain dignity when people don't behave the way i wish they would?  how do i care about myself even when no one else does?  how do i exist in a society that doesn't understand or accept me?  how do i find truth and clarity of vision?  how do i seek out and hold on to light when all around me is suffocating darkness?

supposedly i have the answers.  i have The Gospel.  i have the truth in my pocket; i've been taught the truth my whole life through church and seminary and institute and personal study...and yet...the most important part just won't stick.  i need help but i don't know where to turn or how to ask.  i beg and plead in prayer, but i don't seem to get anywhere.  i don't know what else to do.

since no one misses me, i'll just hide out for a while longer.