back to the basics

i went to bed depressed last night.  will said he'd had a rough day and wasn't in a chatting mood...then he was on fb talking to other people, so it wasn't that he didn't want to chat, he just didn't want to chat with me.  i won't be contacting him again.  if he wants to talk to me, he'll initiate.

it seems that most of my "friends" are either sick of me or have allowed me to push them away...or both.  loneliness is what i know...so while i don't want to be alone, it's a sort of bittersweet comfort zone. 

if everyone leaves...

ok, i don't want to go there...

the point is, one person is still with me.  the one person who has always been with me and will always be with me...Bestest Friend.  i've been spending a lot of time at her house recently.  she's my new safe place, well, actually, my renewed safe place.  she knows me completely and loves me anyway.  she misses me when we don't talk.  she needs me as much as i need her...and she makes sure i know.

i'm tired.  i'm tired of being anxious.  i'm tired of not having a place...or not knowing my place.  i'm tired of being tired.  i'm tired of being lonely.  i'm tired of being misunderstood and invisible.  i'm tired of just being.  i'm tired of caring about people and being considerate of people who don't care and aren't considerate of me.  i either need to stop feeling altogether or become a sort of recluse.  i'll go to work and school...and bestest friend's house, and that is all.  no one will care.  no one will notice.  but it doesn't matter if they do or if they don't.  bestest friend is the only one who knows me or really cares about me so she's the only one who matters.  she's really the only one who has ever mattered.  i've undervalued her in the past and i will do all i can to not do that again.  she's my basics.  she's the cushion on my foundation that makes it easier to rely on the rock.  or maybe it's more like she's my tether. she keeps me sane and grounded.  she holds on to me when i start flying away.  she reels me in when i go too far.

i'm so thankful for my bestest friend.