i wish someone cared enough to really try. i wish someone would figure out how to read between the lines. i wish reality was like the movies or television, that people really did do anything to help the ones they love. that people really loved enough to be driven to help others. maybe they are and maybe they do...but just not in my life. words don't matter to most people these days. they don't see the value in knowing how to use words to hide and/or reveal the truth. i try to show my hand without revealing too much to the wrong people...but the right people don't exist in my life yet. where do i need to go and what do i need to do to find those people? i thought Will was one...but now it seems he's not.
why am i always left so alone in the worst and darkest moments? or is my being left alone what causes the worst and darkest moments? i'm not asking in a self-pitying way. i'm asking so i can figure out the pattern and figure out how to stop it. i'm best when i'm not alone. i'm best when i at least feel i'm not alone.
thursday and friday were horrible. i was too alone too long. having my parents around, always around, doesn't help. they've never understood me, never tried to understand me. my sister doesn't even try...for which i guess i'm grateful...she's always been the one who understood me least of all. my brother, though...he might be what i need. he might be one of those people i mentioned before. he responds a little better than anyone else does, matching my song lyrics for ones of his own, or hugging me, making me feel a little better.
but i'm waiting for someone. i feel, have always felt like somewhere in the world is someone who is exactly what i need. but what if he never comes? what if he doesn't actually exist? what if...what if i never figure out the answers? i'm so lost, so frustrated, so discouraged. losing Will is really hard. i want to say i'm sorry. i want to say whatever he needs to hear to rewind our friendship and put it back into the good place. but i've said too much already...and he's said before that if he hangs out with the people he wants to hang out with...which means, if he's not contacting me, it's because he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore. i guess i can't blame him. he's had more than enough crazy in his life, i'm shocked he stayed as long as he did. i wish he had stayed forever...but no one stays forever.
i think i better go to sleep now. i'm so tried and i'm starting to lose it again. i miss Will. i'm hurt and discouraged that no one was there to fill the void...that's why i lost what little grasp i had this week. i don't really know what to do, and with every disappointment, i have less and less motivation or desire to keep trying. i don't know what to do.
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