where i am

i've been spending a lot more time alone recently.  i'm getting back to being content on my own...though i think it's mainly due to the medication.  it's more of an apathy.  i haven't done much uncontrollable sobbing this week, that's an improvement i suppose.  the tears have been pretty dry altogether actually.  the last few days have been especially clear and rational.  i was confronted with a couple of situations that a week and a half ago would have sent me into a flood, but i got through them without too much trouble.

i was a wreck last sunday.  i didn't get out of bed until noon then after faking it through two visiting teaching appointments, i went and sat by the river and wrote in my journal.  most of the time i was begging god to take me home and not make me stay any longer.  no one was there.  no one cared.  no one saw my distress.  then bestest friend came to the rescue.  she did what i needed.  she came from north salt lake and sat with me.  she listened.  she stayed with me.  she reminded me why i hold on.  most of the time, i hold on just for her.  i spent most of monday afternoon and evening with her too.
tuesday i worked just over 8 hours because my coworker went home with a backache and i had to cover for her.  i was okay with it though.  i really need the money and i just worked on price changes most of the day.  i went home and watched House.  the artist asked if i wanted to watch captain america sometime soon.  i told him we could wednesday or thursday.  he said wednesday was best so i sent out a text to see who could come.  i didn't get a lot of response but will said he'd come if he didn't have a date.
he came.
for one evening it was almost like old times.  the artist, will, another old guy friend, and one female friend...and me.  all people who care about me.  all people who love me just the way i am.  all people who wanted to be with me.  people who know me, understand me, and are truly there for me.  it felt so good to be with people who sincerely wanted to be with me.

thursday was good.  i worked another 8 hour shift, covering for a different coworker.  i stayed up too late working on a couple of papers.  friday i was tired, but okay.  i went home from school and curled up on the couch.  i watched house until i realized i wasn't paying attention anymore.  i got pola and we went to leatherby's for some ice cream then met will at walmart.  he had called me thursday night while i was at work and said he wanted to ask me something.  we didn't talk until friday night before pola and i went to leatherby's.  he said they were going to his cabin saturday evening and told me i should come after work.  i said i probably would...but then he text me and asked if i could bring a date. "it's kind of a couples thing" he said.  i told him i couldn't make it.  it was planned.  it had been planned for quite a while and i was not invited.  he didn't plan it.  queen bee was the driving force.  she's the one who didn't want me or pola there.  i don't know for sure, but i don't think la-t was invited either.  will wanted us there.  when i told him i didn't have enough gas he said he'd give me money to buy some.  i told him i didn't want to be where i'm not wanted.  he said he wanted me there.  i said he was the only one who wanted me there or i would have been invited sooner.  i told him i'm finally accepting the fact that i'm not going to be invited into the group and i'm tired of trying. 

i have people who love me, people who genuinely want me around. they are the people who contact me regularly, a few of them nearly every day.  they aren't a group.  they are individuals.  but that's okay.  i don't need to be distracted by a group anymore.  i need individuals i can trust to be there when i really need them.  very few people fit that description.  bestest friend and her husband, will, pola, the artist...and that's about it.  these are the few who have stuck by me even when i'm at my worst.  these are the day-to-day people, the only true friends i have.  these are the people who understand.

after walmart on friday night, pola and i went to my house and watched some episodes of big bang theory.  saturday morning i got up and spent some alone time with will.  it was nice.  we didn't really talk about anything...until we were almost back to his car.  he apologized for his thoughtlessness the night before.  he apologized for not making sure i was invited earlier.  he told me he really wanted me to go with them to his cabin.  i appreciated his apology.  i told him i was sorry i couldn't go, but that i've finally accepted that they don't want me around and i'm okay with it.  i told him i'll be there and be nice when he invites me but i can't sneak in where i know i'm not wanted anymore.

i fought for him months ago, even though i knew i should let go.  he surprised me though, and turned out to be a really great friend.  any other guy would have run away long ago.  but he understands what i'm going through.  he doesn't judge, he listens, he shows me he cares...and he's been there, all along.  you know the moments when i panic and think he's going to leave?  he's not.  i'm terrified to trust him, because i'm terrified to trust anyone.  but i do trust him.  he's proven over and over that he cares and that he's not going away.

i need people i can trust; people who understand what i'm going through, or who at least love me enough to stay by my side, check in on me daily or at least a few times a week.  i need people who are safe and who make me feel safe.  i need people who will sit and stare at me until i tell them what's really on my mind.  i need people who will reassure me over and over and over without getting annoyed or fed up.  i need people who won't give up on me.  bestest friend, will, the artist, and sometimes pola.  they're the only ones who look for me until they find me when i disappear.  they're the ones who know that i'm so much more than just the darkness and anxiety.  they're the ones who know i'm a lot of fun, but also know how to make me talk when they recognize i need it. they are all i need. and i'm grateful they are who i have.

grasping at air

what do you do when you feel yourself falling but there's nothing to hold on to?  just release, let yourself fall.  tensing will only make you crack when you hit the ground. 

i stopped crying.  now i'm wrapped in apathy.  my brain is foggy and my heart is constricted.  i just want to sleep.  when i can't sleep anymore i pull my knees to my chest and stare at the tv.  it's my choice, right?  well, i choose isolation.

it started months ago.  will and la-t chose queen bee over me, and qb doesn't like me, so i'm out.  i fought for will because i couldn't stand to lose my last happy thought.  i tried to be friends with qb and her horde of worker bees.  i wracked my brain and did everything i could to fit in and be accepted into the hive.  but it never worked.  i'm an outsider.  i was tolerated when will let me in but never actually wanted.

so, i've decided to stop trying.  i'm accepting that i'm not a bee welcome in this hive.  in fact, i'm not a bee at all. 

will's a morpher.  he can transform into whatever he needs to be to fit in.  he doesn't on purpose, it just comes naturally to him.  i can't fault him for it.  he goes where he wants, when he wants.  he does what he wants regardless of what anyone else thinks or feels or wants.

he wanted us there so he invited us, last minute, without really thinking anything through.  qb didn't want us there.  she set it up from the start to exclude us.  i told him it's okay, and it is.  i had a better time at a party with people who wanted me there than i would have had with them (even with will there).  i'm letting go.  it's most likely the drug-induced apathy, but whatever it is, it dulls the pain. 

i'm checking out.  most people will be better off without me around; that's obvious because they've been perfectly fine without me for the last month and a half (and longer).  i'm tired of wanting to be with people who don't want me around.  it's exhausting to care so much about people who care nothing for me.  with a few exceptions, i openly accept people.  i try to befriend people.  why can't we all just get along?  why can't we all just open our arms to each other and be content together?  why do we have to exclude and shun people who maybe aren't quite the same?  now and then i do it too, that's why i say "we," no one is perfect, no one can love everyone all the time.

i'm falling.  i'm not sure if i jumped, was pushed, or if it was some sort of accident (a slip or a stumble).  all i know is that i'm falling and i can't find anything to hold on to.  i want to go to church.  i want to rely on God.  i want to put into practice all the things i've studied and been taught.  but i can't seem to get up the motivation to do what needs to be done.  i just want to forget about everything and let myself fall forever.  that doesn't work though.  there's always a bottom, always a sudden thud at the end.  i'm just waiting to hit. 

i don't care today.  i don't want to see or talk to anyone.  i don't even want to see will.  i'm letting go.  i know he cares, he says he needs me but i don't see why or how.  he'll probably benefit the most from my absence.  i'm still here if he needs me, i'm just not allowing myself to need him anymore.  i'm not allowing myself to need anyone anymore.  i need to see myself as in control.  will unwittingly gave me permission to fall apart and i jumped on it.  but now i can't stop.  it has to be my choice.  but i don't know how to make that choice.  it's up to me.  no one else can do it for me.  only i can choose to do what is necessary.  a good support system would be nice, but at this point i don't know that it would make much difference.

i have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow, but i don't know how to say what i need to say in order for her to know how to help me.  i don't know what's really wrong.  i don't know the root, all i know is that i'm apathetic and exhausted. 

i didn't go to church today because i didn't have anything to wear, or any energy to shower and fix my hair.  i want to quit and give up.  i want to be done.  there's nothing anyone else can do to help me, and i don't have the energy or desire to help myself.

just some things on my mind tonight

i just don't know what to do.  i wish someone else could make all my decisions for me while i look on, watching, learning how to do it.  that's one way i learn best.  if i can see someone else do it, i can generally mimic their patterns and procedures.  the trouble is that we are all different and in life, mimicking the way someone else does things can lead to opposite and negative results.  i learned to "cope" by watching the way my mother and father "dealt" with things.  ineffectively.  ineffectively for me at least. 

i don't know the way.  i don't know my way.  i don't know god's way for me. 

the ways i wanted to go were all closed for construction or something.  i've taken so many detours i'm not sure i'm even on the same map anymore. i try to retrace my steps and find a different way, but going back just brings fear and anger and darkness.  i can't go back, i can't go forward (because every attempt just leads to another sidestep or looping detour).  so i circle, trying new tactics that always just lead back into the same circle.  i don't know how to get out of this wretched roundabout! 

with Will, i thought i'd finally found someone who knew a better way.  he tries to help.  he's been frustrated with the same kinds of obstacles.  but he's a man and goes into the cave when things get bad. i'm a woman and i need people.  but people aren't really there when i need them most.  people say they care, but in the worst moments, they run away and can't be found. 

except Will.  i should be able to trust him by now.  why don't i?  why do i still suspect him of lying?  why do i still fear that he's just waiting for the opportune moment to desert me?  why am i so afraid to give him time to miss me?  the last one is easy, because i'm afraid he won't.  but that just brings us back to the beginning...why don't i trust him?  he said he's staying.  he said he loves me, he needs me, he intends to be friends with me for as long as possible.  and yet, i keep asking for reassurance.

i'm pretty sure i know the source of my paranoia.  i should be over that by now.  it's been almost 4 years since the last time we were together.  it's been over a year and a half since he last tried to make contact.  but i'm still paralyzed by his influence.  i've talked to numerous therapists about it, but none of them have been able to help me find closure. 

bestest friend and i were talking the other night and i confessed that for some twisted reason i miss him.  my life feels wrong without him, it's too stable without his incessant coming and going.  it's cold and lonely without his arms around me and the constancy of his presence and attention (in the on phases).  i felt attractive and desirable when i was with him.  i felt known and acknowledged.  so often these days i feel completely overlooked, invisible.  he saw me, knew me...so well he used it against me.  that's where the confusion comes in.  i love that he knew me so well...better than anyone (in some ways, even better than bestest friend), and yet, that greatest of all my desires (to be completely known by another human being) is what made him so lethal.  he took everything i was and twisted me inside out until i became completely unrecognizable. 

now i'm terrified of anyone who knows me.  Will is so much like him in so many ways.  that's why i'm so afraid.  Will's the friend i desperately needed the other to be.  Will is so important to me for many reasons, but one of the greatest is because of the similarities...and the differences.  Will actually genuinely cares.  he wants to help and would never use anything against me, least of all my own self.  but i have nothing to give him, nothing he really needs from me.  i can't guarantee that he'll stick around or that i can get him back if he leaves like i could the other.  i don't know Will's buttons.  i don't know how to get him to talk about the really important things.  i don't know how to read his thoughts or expressions.  i trust him more than i trust anyone besides bestest friend, and yet, i don't trust him with what is most important.  but i'm trying.

he used to ask me when i would trust him.  now Will asked the same question and it felt like a kick in the stomach.  i saw his face and heard his voice and felt his hands, the guard in his eyes, and i knew why i never trusted him...he wasn't worth my trust in the least.  but Will is...i think. 

bestest friend wants to sign me up for online dating.  i've been adamantly opposed to meeting people over the internet since Sotola and Chad (the first guys i met online when i was 14 or so and the internet was newish).  Chad was my first date, and he promptly stopped all contact after that date. he was a dope.  i've been so afraid of any possibility of dating.  i'm terrified of making another wrong decision and getting involved with another skunkweasel.  or maybe no one will want me at all.

Will keeps telling me i'm beautiful and lovable.  not enough for him...he has one great flaw and that is not loving and needing me like i do him.  it's a forgivable flaw as long as he holds true to his word and sticks around.  but he's been dating a lot recently and that means he has almost no time at all for me.  i wish we'd been born siblings.  that's how i want him to care for me.  love is such an inadequate and ambiguous word.  it means too many things to properly describe any of them.

anyway, i'm rambling.  my medication crawled into my brain and i feel dizzy and clouded.  i guess i should sleep now.  i need a new Will.  maybe a Chris this time...or a Peter.  i know that doesn't make sense...but i know what i mean and i'm pretty sure no one reads my blog anymore anyway.

it doesn't matter, this is only a small part of me.  i write only a miniscule fraction of my person here.  i wish someone wanted to know me, all of me.  Will doesn't want to know all, but he tolerates and indulges when i ramble.  he listens with compassion and not a trace of judgement.  i'm grateful for him.  i don't want to lose him. i'm not ready to let him go.  (but then, bestest friend made a good point the other night, she asked, "will you ever be ready?"  no. never. if i could have it my way, i'd have him beside me always.  he said he'll stay, but will i drive him away with my fear and lack of trust? i really hope not.  that would be too much for me to bear.  when i'm with him, it's the happiest and most at peace i've ever been.  how can i let go of that?

i really hate being the friend...i really hate being me

he plans his dates in advance, but all interactions with me are spur of the moment.  how am i supposed to feel like i'm at all important to him?  i have never understood why dates take precedence over friendship.  it's more efficient to keep good relations with your friends because inevitably they are the ones you return to when the relationship ends. if you blow off your friends because of dates they may not be there for you when you need them.  except, i'm just stupid enough to stick around.  he doesn't have the consideration to even notice.

i got used to spending a lot of time with Will.  i felt like he needed me, maybe not as much as i needed him, but comparatively.  now he's all consumed in dating with complete disregard for our friendship...even though i've tried to communicate my feelings.  he says he cares, but his actions don't really uphold that statement.  i feel blown off and unimportant.  it's hurtful and irritating. 

one person.  why can't i have just one person who really understands what i'm going through, AND loves me enough to go through it with me.  Will really understands, but, despite how much he says he cares, clearly his actions suggest otherwise.

i keep hoping.  why can't i just give up?  why do i keep hoping?  the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result.  maybe i should lock myself up.  maybe i should check myself into a mental institution and just admit defeat.  i was better.  now i'm afraid i'm getting worse than ever.  i don't know what to do.  talking doesn't help anymore.  if i told my therapist what i really think and feel, if i was totally honest, they'd probably lock me up anyway.  maybe i am bi-polar.  my moods are swinging further to the extremes these days.  it felt like a good day.  then i started trying to plan for the week and now i'm depressed again and wishing God would just take me home. at least i'm not crying uncontrollably again...not yet.

it's cruel.  it's really cruel.  i finally found something that makes me happier than i've ever been, i had him for a while, completely to myself more often than not.  i started to improve, but not enough for this.  i'm not ready.  but now, my fears are realized and he's as good as gone.  he doesn't really care.  if he did he would be more considerate.  but no one is considerate these days.  no one really cares about anyone but themselves.  me included i suppose.

i'm so alone.  i can't catch a break.  i can't get away from myself.  but everyone else can...and they do.  i'm trying to rely on God, but i feel like he's abandoned me too.  i can't figure it out on my own, but i'm completely on my own.  i need too many things that i just don't have.  money, insurance, an adequate support system...just to name a few.

so tired of pretending.  so tired of lying.  so tired of "fake it till you make it."  news flash, faking doesn't lead to solutions in this case, it just drives me closer to the edge.  i'm so stressed anyway, then add pretending and lying on top of that?  you try being me for a day then tell me to "fake it..."

my brain is broken and i don't know why.  i don't have the resources to figure it out.  i don't know what to do.  i don't have anyone who can help me.  i don't know what to do.  i don't know what to do.

i can't blame him.  he has his own troubles.  he doesn't need mine too.  i need him.  he needs to date (it's a good distraction for him if nothing else).  my needs (as usual) are less important than anyone else's.  i hate being me.  i hate being the friend that no one sees how valuable i could be.  all i need is love and the freedom to give my love.  that's the solution.  it's so simple...and so impossible.  i love him, so i'll let him go.  that's the only answer my broken brain can come up with.  it's a solution for him, not for me.  there is no solution for me.

i need a vacation.  i need to get away.  i need to turn everything off and just get away.  no one will miss me.  i've been almost gone for weeks, months, and no one notices, no one really cares.

meltdown

he said i need to believe i can have what i want.  it's ironic coming from him because he is the one standing in the way of what i want most.  what can i do?  walk away? totally unnecessary.  i don't have to move at all.  he's already gone.  i can't do it alone, but i have to.  not entirely, bestest friend is still with me.  she's my anchor.  she's my sanity.  she's my survival.  i would have been gone a long time ago if not for her.  i think a lot these days about going home.  i yell at the sky "please just let me die, i can't do it anymore" but the answer is always no.  i beg Him to take me home.  but He refuses. 
so, i'll stay...until He takes her away.  i can't make any promises after that.

she let me cry and complain.  she let me rant and validated my frustration.  she listened and encouraged me to keep going until i was done.  she invited me to stay for dinner. she made me smile.  she let me hold her baby girl.  she gave me a safe place.  i wish i could have stayed.

my parents didn't notice, didn't care...they never do.  no listening, no hearing, no validating, no compassion.  i curl like a fetus and sob until my eyes are swollen and my head throbs.  the tears won't end.  i don't know how to make them stop.  something's broken. i take the medication but it isn't helping.  at least i'm not retching this time.  i'm stressed and tense.  i'm overwhelmed.  my head won't stop hurting. i don't rest.  i don't eat much. 

i know the solution.  i don't need drugs.  i know what would help more than anything.  but it's out of my reach.  what i want most is just beyond my grasp.

so i'll disappear.  i'll be silent.  i'll let the flood wash me away.  no one will even notice i'm gone.

what do you love?

people
true friends
nieces and nephews
getting along with family
co-workers

flowers
sterling roses
lilacs

shamrocks

trees
maple
buckeye

 food
hamburgers
Greek
Italian
dr. pepper
cranberries
chocolate
cucumbers
tomatoes
apples
blueberry bagels

tv
Alias
Bones
The Big Bang Theory

movies (just about any)
games (all sorts)
DVR
bookstores
literature
poetry
books
Shakespeare
stuffed frogs
teddy bears
music boxes
Kermit the Frog

concerts
music
Sister Hazel
The Decemberists
Savage Garden
Bearproof
Christina Perri
Wilco
Josh Groban
Colbie Caillat
Michael Buble
Ryan Adams
Sara Bareilles

cuddling
hugs
holding hands
kissing
conversing with someone i love

notes
cards
meaningful gifts

journals
writing
reading

stars
rain
cool summer nights
warm autumn nights

green turn arrows

driving
walking
just sitting in my car (preferably at night, while talking with a friend)

just being with someone i love.  we don't need to talk. we don't need to do anything. we just need to be in the same place at the same time. together.  nothing i love more than being with someone i love.

alone again, naturally

i'm going to start hanging out with my married friends and with my nephews more.  my nephews love me more than any stupid guy ever has.  the only other guys i care to have anything to do with are going away.  The Artist is in a relationship and Will is on the verge, and i'm going to be single for a very long time, so i'm done doing the social thing.
one benefit of the medication i'm taking is that it makes me more reclusive. my social anxiety is under control because i'm just not social anymore.  so it really does work out.  no one wants me around, and i don't want to be around anyone.  Will has changed a lot recently.  he doesn't need me anymore.  i don't get the high that i used to from being with him...so i guess it is time to let go.  i'm disappearing.  the medication isn't making it better.  i spend more time curled on the couch. i'm done.
everything i try to make it better just makes it worse.  i spend more time praying that God will take me home too.  he won't.  i've been praying that i'd meet someone before Will found a girlfriend.  looks like the answer to that prayer is no too.  i guess that for whatever reason, God really does want me to be alone. ok, i'll embrace it.  alone it is.

hiding out sounds like the best idea

today is not a great day.  i've discovered i'm terribly shallow and i'm afraid others are equally so.  i hope they're not, and i should give my friends more credit, but with the amount of emphasis they (especially the guys) place on appearance, my fear is understandable. 
now and then i get a cold sore.  i haven't had one in quite a while, so i guess the virus decided to make up for lost time and i currently have multiple swollen blisters on my mouth.  this makes me terribly self conscious because my normal average appearance is now horribly haggard. 
so, maybe this is to help me appreciate normalcy and stop complaining that i'm not one of the pretty girls. 

ok, i'm done with the shallow.  i did organize the movie night, despite my altered appearance.  i don't know how many people are coming, because a lot of people had other plans (i'm trying to keep myself from dwelling on the fact that some of them have plans together and none of them thought to invite me), so far i'm pretty sure that HeyPay, The Artist, and his girlfriend are coming; Pola and Will both said they might come. 

Will left his phone at home and didn't get the text, but he messaged me on fb and asked if i wanted to go to a dollar movie with him and Drummerboy.  i informed him of the movie night at my house and he said he might be able to come if the dollar movie doesn't work out.  so maybe he does miss me a bit after all. 

the weather is cold and gloomy today but i'm actually grateful for the cold.  i sleep better when i'm snuggled up in blankets.  i'm really looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow.  i do need to study and probably go up to school tomorrow to take my spanish test.  i just couldn't today.

vagrant tears

curled up on my couch, weeping again.  it's because i've been ill, and because i'm afraid of failing my exams tomorrow.  it's because i'm so very tired.  that's all.  it's not because i'm alone, or because for a brief, exquisite moment i let myself hope that i wouldn't be alone tonight.  truly, it's not.

i'm watching Jane Eyre.  of all the movies in all the world, why did i choose this? the story of a girl no one wanted being loved by an unavailable man...in the end, all works out and they are allowed to love. though they aren't really telling the story correctly and they've left out some very important scenes.

i don't feel well.  almost every time i helped a customer at work today i burst into a fit of coughs.  my nose is raw and red.  my eyes are tired and red.  my upper lip is swollen with blisters (and i've just discovered that one is forming toward the corner of my mouth on my lower lip).  why would i invite someone over to see me in this condition?  oh, right, because i don't want to be alone.  there was an invitation but i don't have the energy to drive...or to be in a place that makes me anxious (which is where he's watching thursday night tv).  that loop that has no opening for me.  his plans were set and i was invited only because i asked for a bit of his time.  i'll let him go.  he's made his choice of where he'd rather be.  i learned, finally, from holding on too long elsewhere, that when someone turns away, it's best to let them go, let them vacate the space so that someone else, someone more fitting can fill the emptiness.  i don't want him to go, but i don't have the energy or the heart to fight for someone who forgets me so easily.  i haven't been willing to give him the time to miss me because i've been too afraid that he wouldn't.  now it doesn't matter.  i'm tired of holding on.  i'm so very tired.  my love tank, like my arms, is empty and i'm just so tired.

tomorrow i'll organize a movie night.  The Artist has a girlfriend and he wants her to feel comfortable around his friends.  she's been to a bonfire and a Conference breakfast with us, she's very sweet and beautiful and she seems to like us alright.  she could be the one!  i hope she is, because i want him to be happy; he seems happy with her.

i've run out of things to say.  i'm sorry that i'm complaining again.  one of these days i'll have happier things to write about.  right now i feel a little friendless, so i'm sending my thoughts out into the void and hoping that one of these days love will come to collect and repay all my vagrant tears.

title

oh yeah, and i'm back to being lost in lonely lunacy...

disappear

it's been almost a month since the last time i posted...longer since i really wrote anything.  i don't really feel like writing these days...anything...at all.  even in school, my papers are B average papers.  i hoped my Shakespeare class would be a great renewal and rejuvenation for my soul, but it hasn't been anything of the sort.  i'm not doing well in my Spanish class...well, that's not exactly true.  i have good grades so far, but that's only because we haven't had anything that relies solely on my memory yet.  my first exam is on friday.  the first verbal exam is next week.  unless i suddenly am blessed with the gift of tongues, i'm pretty sure i'm going to fail both.  my stress class is interesting, and i'm doing well so far.  i think i'm just really ready to be done with school.

not that i know what i'll do once i'm done...that will take care of itself when i get to it.

today i feel invisible and out of the loop.  i'm not even sure there's a loop to feel out of...i guess it just feels like i've been spending a lot of time alone again and i don't know why.  i feel like people are doing things but forgetting or neglecting to invite me.  i've been trying not to think about it; pretending i'm alone of my own decision and choice...but really it's because i feel like no one cares if i'm around or not.  i don't want to be where i'm not wanted...i guess i just wish i was wanted somewhere.  i saw Will for about 20 minutes in a class yesterday but otherwise it's been over a week since we were significantly together.  i hate weeks like that.  it wasn't so bad i guess, it was a busy week...but it's continuing now and i have no idea when we will be significantly together again.  even his texts are fewer and further between...

just over a month ago i was really struggling with my depression and anxiety.  i sent him a text saying that i wasn't getting any better so i was going to disappear for a while, then turned off my phone and left it at home when i went to work.  when i got home his car was parked in front of my house.  he had sent me a text telling me that he cared and i wasn't being fair and if i disappeared he would hunt me down.  i guess it scared him a little, he was really worried about me.  i just don't want to be a burden.  i wasn't going to actually go anywhere, i have work and school and no money; i was just trying to let him know i wouldn't be bothering him like i had been, needing to talk with him every day. 

i think today if i did just disappear, without saying anything this time, he wouldn't even notice...he may even be relieved.  i don't know.  he doesn't seem to need me at all.  he hasn't even really wanted me around...although he did ask if i was going to the class yesterday, so i guess he thought of me for a second at least...but then he was gone.  i had to leave early for an interview in a different room and it took longer than i expected so the class was over by the time i was done.  i hoped he would stick around but he had somewhere else to be...i think probably with that loop i mentioned before.  oh well.  i miss him and if he really is going away i'll let him go this time.  maybe someone will come along to fill the void...maybe it'll finally be someone who actually really loves me. 
i know Will cares, but i really want to be loved, adored, appreciated, and wanted. 
am i asking too much? probably. 
so maybe i better just disappear and forget about everyone. 
become completely self-reliant; who needs people anyway?

oh yeah, i do.

is it really disappearing if no one notices you're gone?