aptly titled

i'm definitely lost in lunacy more often than not these days.  panic, paranoia, pathological distrust of almost everyone.  pretty sure the medication hasn't done anything good and has simply pushed me closer to the edge.  maybe it's not the medication, i don't know.  last night i panicked.  i am terrified of losing Will because his presence in my life is better than any drug anyone could ever take.  i don't understand it and i'm trying not to question it and just enjoy it, but every miniscule inconsistency or alteration in his behavior sends me into complete madness, certain he's finally had enough of me and that he'll disappear. i don't know how to get rid of this fear.  i don't know how to trust him when he says he's sticking around.  i don't know what to do when he does eventually leave...because he probably will eventually leave. everyone does...right?  maybe not.  maybe he won't have to leave.  the relationship will have to change, but other relationships will come to soften the impact.  and as long as he's still around, maybe it'll be ok. 

i wish i could understand why and how he affects me the way he does.  but i don't understand.  all i know is that no matter how much darkness surrounds me, all it takes is one text from him or one second with him and the mist clears and i start to rise.  it's not infatuation or even romantic notions. i can't explain it and i don't really have to.  all i know is that i don't want to live without him...at least until i figure out how to feel the way i feel with him (consistently) when he's not around.

but that's only part of it.  i'm not a one-sided person.  i'm not a taker, i've a giver or a give-and-taker.  he says he needs me too.  he won't tell me how or what exactly he needs from me, but he sticks around despite my lunacy and my regular attempts to push him away.  he can't be that selfless, can he?  maybe.  i know he needed me for a while.  he's never said it in so many words, but he's alluded, and he text, called, and spent a lot of time with me for a while...and at the time it wasn't because i needed him.  we get each other on a level that most others don't.  we're alike in some pretty significant ways and it seems that when i'm crazy, he's sane...and maybe when he was crazy, i was sane?  i love him in the deepest places in my heart, and i will always be available to support and comfort him if he needs it.  i see him differently than most.  i see a lot of what he doesn't show.  i see the greatness and goodness in him.  i need him...and he needs me to need him?  helping others makes him feel better...i know that one because it's how i am. i forgot that.

last night i panicked.  i cried myself to sleep.  i woke up this morning praying, once again, that if God cared anything about me that he'd just have mercy and take me home already.  i fretted and tantrumed all morning.  then i got a text from Will...spontaneous and funny...and i started to feel better.  i wrote, a lot.  i wrote out all the lunacy and then it turned into logic.

Will and i text for a while.  i realized that all i need to do to get him to talk to me is ask him direct questions and wait for the answers.  he's getting better at responding again.  maybe he needs to talk. maybe he wants me to ask?  i don't know. 

my RS president asked if she could take me to dinner.  at first i didn't want to go, but i'm so very glad i did.  i think she needs a new friend at least as much as i do.  i don't know why but i opened up in a way i usually don't with people i don't really know.  i told her things only a very select few know.  she told me things too and we've agreed to be friends. i think that she is part of God's mercy. 
la-t text me, asking how i am and telling me she cares.   HT text me too...he said i'm not alone in how i feel so alone even when i'm not alone.  he was checking up on me and letting me know he cares.  more mercy.  one of these days maybe i'll see the mercy before the panic and tantrum.  i'm grateful that God understands and that He is so very merciful.  i'm grateful for friends who, even if they don't understand exactly, forgive me and love me and offer to be there for me when i need them. 

i can't do this alone. i can't get through this or overcome this alone...and i'm finally beginning to see that maybe i'm not as alone as i think i am.