mom said i'm a late bloomer. i say i'm inept at life. i make a little progress then hit a wall and crumble to pieces. then it takes time to pull myself back together. that's not normal. i mean, everyone comes up against obstacles and trials, but not everyone falls apart. some people are good at taking their troubles as they come, accept, adjust, and move forward. i haven't figured out how to do that yet. you'd think by now i would have come up with more efficient modes of coping and living, what with all that i've been through and all the books i've read and classes i've taken. there's a big difference in knowing a thing and applying it to your life.
anyway, crisis has taken a vacation from my life for the moment, and i've just about finished pasting myself back together, so maybe somehow the rest of this year will be one of progression. i finally completed my bachelor degree (12 years after high school graduation...of course there were those 4 or 5 years between graduating with my associates and going back to school. if i hadn't taken that time off i would have graduated in a much more timely manner, but then may not have moved out or worked the jobs i did, or had the other experiences i had in that time...some of which i wish i had skipped, but i guess it's all part of my path). so maybe i'm not inept, i'm just unconventional.
i've started going back to my ward at church. i guess you could say (in the LDS vernacular) that i've been inactive for a while. i have visited The Artist's ward and my parent's ward a few times, but generally i just didn't go to church for a while. it's part of my breakdown this time. church specific social anxiety. since sometime last autumn, i've had panic attacks whenever i've gone to my ward. last week i had my visiting teacher give me a ride. i've been saving my tithing since january and wanted to pay it so that meant i had to go to church in the ward with my records...so i went, sat with my vt during sacrament meeting, then saw that Midgie was there. we went for a walk and talked for a while then i went home. i didn't have a panic attack! so today i decided i could go by myself...i intended to get there early and sit with one of my vts, but i was late, sat by a couple of strangers (who were very nice and friendly) but i was pretty anxious the whole time. i need to adjust my approach next week, make sure i'm on time. i left right after Sacrament meeting, but it's progress, it's baby steps.
i'm also starting to interact with friends more often. i've been initiating activities with some of my closer friends, and i've even gone to a couple things involving queen bee's group.
last month my family went to Washington DC. this month we're going to California! i'm very excited for some traveling...and then i have to find a grown up job so i can make money and travel more!
supposedly God has a plan for me. i sometimes think i've foiled the whole thing, but a friend recently assured me that i haven't, it's all be part of the plan. i don't know, but i hope it's true.
