a plan for me

mom said i'm a late bloomer.  i say i'm inept at life.  i make a little progress then hit a wall and crumble to pieces.  then it takes time to pull myself back together.  that's not normal.  i mean, everyone comes up against obstacles and trials, but not everyone falls apart.  some people are good at taking their troubles as they come, accept, adjust, and move forward.  i haven't figured out how to do that yet.  you'd think by now i would have come up with more efficient modes of coping and living, what with all that i've been through and all the books i've read and classes i've taken.  there's a big difference in knowing a thing and applying it to your life. 

anyway, crisis has taken a vacation from my life for the moment, and i've just about finished pasting myself back together, so maybe somehow the rest of this year will be one of progression.  i finally completed my bachelor degree (12 years after high school graduation...of course there were those 4 or 5 years between graduating with my associates and going back to school.  if i hadn't taken that time off i would have graduated in a much more timely manner, but then may not have moved out or worked the jobs i did, or had the other experiences i had in that time...some of which i wish i had skipped, but i guess it's all part of my path).  so maybe i'm not inept, i'm just unconventional. 

i've started going back to my ward at church.  i guess you could say (in the LDS vernacular) that i've been inactive for a while.  i have visited The Artist's ward and my parent's ward a few times, but generally i just didn't go to church for a while.  it's part of my breakdown this time.  church specific social anxiety.  since sometime last autumn, i've had panic attacks whenever i've gone to my ward.  last week i had my visiting teacher give me a ride.  i've been saving my tithing since january and wanted to pay it so that meant i had to go to church in the ward with my records...so i went, sat with my vt during sacrament meeting, then saw that Midgie was there.  we went for a walk and talked for a while then i went home.  i didn't have a panic attack!  so today i decided i could go by myself...i intended to get there early and sit with one of my vts, but i was late, sat by a couple of strangers (who were very nice and friendly) but i was pretty anxious the whole time.  i need to adjust my approach next week, make sure i'm on time.  i left right after Sacrament meeting, but it's progress, it's baby steps.

i'm also starting to interact with friends more often.  i've been initiating activities with some of my closer friends, and i've even gone to a couple things involving queen bee's group. 

last month my family went to Washington DC.  this month we're going to California!  i'm very excited for some traveling...and then i have to find a grown up job so i can make money and travel more!

supposedly God has a plan for me.  i sometimes think i've foiled the whole thing, but a friend recently assured me that i haven't, it's all be part of the plan.  i don't know, but i hope it's true.

far far away

i miss Will. can't tell him...i want him to be active in my life because he wants to be, not because i beg him or trick him or guilt him into it. it's difficult and heartbreaking to care about someone even after they've stopped caring about you. it's frustrating and discouraging to want to be with someone who no longer wants to spend time with you. and it's devistating when someone you once talked deeply and nearly daily with barely has time (or maybe just desire) to meet for lunch. it breaks me to lose people, especially people I was once close to, and people who have made a significant difference for good in my life. i miss him...but if life has taught me anything, it's that there's nothing i can do but try to let go...try to forget so it doesn't hurt to miss him. and, do better in the future with guarding myself. i let myself hope, once again, like the idiot i am, that he was different, that he would be a true friend and stick around...but now i see that is impossible, it will never be. ah, but that's because of me...isn't it? if i could figure out how to stop being a wretched spastic freak, maybe someone would stay. i'm so much better than i was. the medication magnified instead of sedating my symptoms, but i'm free of the medication now and in better control. i'm taking baby steps. i'm over my breakdown and slowly beginning to move forward. my anxiety is still a bit high in certain social situations (which i've been doing my best to avoid) and so i'm fairly self contained these days. i'm not really depressed these days; not particularly happy, but content enough. it would be nice if i could go to sleep tonight and just not wake up in the morning...but that's not likely. i just want to rest in peace... that's one of the things i miss most about Will. he has this strange calming and comforting affect on me that i have yet to find anywhere else. i feel better with him. but why should that matter? he has his own life, why should he give a damn about me? why should anyone?

embrace the lonely

i'm acclimating to being alone.  i'm not sure what happened exactly, why i have become so antisocial.  too much loss, too much betrayal, too much rejection...i suppose.  i found what i wanted.  i basked in it for a while.  i lived the closest i've ever come to the life of my dreams.  there were a couple significant aspects missing, but it was close enough.  as always, though, the fulfillment of my dreams was just out of my reach.  i haven't figured out how to grasp it just yet, so i'm accepting the fact that i'm going to be alone and lonely for a while.

it seems that everyone around me is moving in the direction i want to be going, but i can't figure out how to go that way.  i'm not going the opposite direction, it's more like i'm cutting crossways at an angle.  i'm progressing, just not the same way others are.

three weeks ago i graduated with my bachelor degree.  i realize that comparatively that's no great accomplishment, but i'm the first female in my family, second member altogether, to complete a bachelor degree, so it's kind of important.  i didn't do school the way most others do.  it's taken a long time.  if i had it to do over again i would change a lot of things.  but i don't, so i guess there's purpose in the way my life has gone.  i wish i could find some insight, but there really isn't any except that for whatever reason i am where i am and have come the way i have and somehow it is all for my good and benefit.

hermit

i realize i've kind of been stuck in a pity party for a while.  just as i began to think happiness was an option, life took a sudden, unexpected detour and i crashed...again.  now i'm hiding.  i don't fit into society anymore.  somewhere i recrossed a threshold and now i'm back to being 14 years old with one or two real friends and surrounded by people who could care less if i exist.  where went all the people who care about me?  i needed kindness and support, friendship and love, and i was given silence, rejection, and loneliness.  well, whatever. 

i stopped writing.  i stopped caring.  i stopped trying. 

when i wasn't at work or school, i took up residence on the couch in the downstairs TV room.  no one wanted me anywhere else, so i locked myself away and lost myself in the fantasies of others.  distraction is best when you're your own worst enemy.

how do i hold on to myself when the world shifts that way?  how do i maintain dignity when people don't behave the way i wish they would?  how do i care about myself even when no one else does?  how do i exist in a society that doesn't understand or accept me?  how do i find truth and clarity of vision?  how do i seek out and hold on to light when all around me is suffocating darkness?

supposedly i have the answers.  i have The Gospel.  i have the truth in my pocket; i've been taught the truth my whole life through church and seminary and institute and personal study...and yet...the most important part just won't stick.  i need help but i don't know where to turn or how to ask.  i beg and plead in prayer, but i don't seem to get anywhere.  i don't know what else to do.

since no one misses me, i'll just hide out for a while longer.

walk me through my fears

I need someone to walk me through my fears. I need someone who knows me and loves me and cares enough about me to sit beside me, hold my hand, and walk me through my fears. I can't let go and I can't move on. I'm petrified and incapable of trying again. I am pushing everyone away so the ceiling that is crumbling down around me won't crush or impale anyone but me. I need someone brave enough to stand by me even though they may be risking their own safety to do it. not literally, that was a dramatic metaphor. the only risk, the only cost will be time and love. I wish I could find someone who cares enough about me to stand by me and help me heal.
but where do I find someone as amazing as that? I don't know how to do it alone. I've been working so hard for so long...I've been to various professionals, but I can't pay someone to walk me through in the way I need...I need love too. paying for "love" is against the law ;)

I just need someone amazing to love me...why is that so hard?

"they're my people. people keep you going. people are better than no people"

i guess i keep hoping someone outside of myself will see me, see what i'm going through, see the battle i'm trying so hard to fight, and decide to take up my cause.  i know i've been wretched.  i know i haven't been easy to love.  i know i've been pushing people away and closing myself off.

i know it...i just don't know how to stop it.

Will met me for lunch on Tuesday.  we went from being friend who hung out or had some sort of contact every day for months to people who have lunch a couple times a month.  he generally still responds to my texts, but they are few and far between.  he's fitting me in the cracks because i insist on not being forgotten.  he cares, he just cares more about someone else than he does about me...i guess that's as it should be...but i haven't figured out how to be completely okay without him yet.

The Artist is also less available.  we use to hang out all the time, i was important to him...now he is busy and unavailable and barely talks to me alone anymore.  again, it's the way it's suppose to be...but i'm not quite ready to lose another of my best friends.

Ampo text me today.  we had a rough patch and went from everyday friends to not talking rather suddenly...but i think it was for the best because it was one factor that forced her into the better place she's creating for herself right now.  it was good to hear from her.

Chelle and Hey-Pay are still around; i'm really grateful for that.  we went to a movie tonight and we're going out again next week.  Chelle surprised me by creating a party for my birthday next week.  i wanted to keep it super low-key...like the three of us since they seem to be the only ones who really care right now...but i'm sure i'll be pleasantly surprised by who else shows up for me.

of course Bestest Friend is still around.  we try to hang out at least once a week.  she and her cute little family took me to lunch today after Papa's funeral (her grandpa).  Bestest Friend is the one person i know i can always count on to be there when i really need her.

i'm so grateful for those who have stood by me, loved me despite my craziness and crashing last year.  i'm grateful for those who still treat me like i'm okay (not in an avoidance or ignorance kind of way, but in an acceptance and supportive kind of way), even when i'm not.

i miss La-T.  i regret burning that bridge. when i stopped going to the ward, she sent me texts saying she missed seeing me there, but i pushed her away because it seemed that the only time she cared about me was for a moment on Sundays when she didn't see me at church.  i say SEEMED because i don't know, it's how it appeared to me, but my perception was very skewed, so it's hard to tell.  i didn't know how to accept whatever she tried to offer, i didn't know how to accept whatever degree of friendship she was willing to maintain.  i miss La-T, but i don't know how to initiate...anything.  Chelle invited her to my birthday party...i hope she comes.

i need people.  we all need people.  people help.  i'm doing a whole heck of a lot better now than i was even a month ago.  i'm relearning how to be okay alone.  the trouble is that when i'm alone too long, it gets worse.  i'm improving.  i'm feeling more like myself.  i wrote a poem that wasn't all depressed and wretched.  i'm doing well enough in my classes and i'm generally enjoying my job (mostly because of the great people i work with).  things are generally looking up.  but i need someone to help me with a couple of things i just can't seem to figure out.  i can't see it clearing because i'm in it.  i need me (at the height of my perception) outside of myself, to help me figure it out.  but i don't have me outside myself, so it would be really helpful to have someone else.  i just don't know who to ask, or even how to explain the trouble i'm having. ugh!

but, aside from that, things are looking up.  and i'm beginning to see that i do have people.  i'm not completely alone like i think i am all too often.  we need people. it's good to have people.  i'm so very grateful for my people.

writing again

i wrote a poem.  it's been months (at least) but i finally found some words!  i thought the muse was dead.  i thought the music was dead.  but here it is.  it's nowhere near my best, but it's something.

It Isn't Chemical

It isn't about oxygen
The element necessary for breath
It isn't about H2O
The elements of hydration
It isn't animal, vegetable, mineral
The elements of sustenance
You are not required for existence

It is about feeling, enjoyment, life

You are the music
The harmony that makes the song worth hearing
You are the art
The color and texture, the light and dark of interest
You are the breeze, the flowers, 

the smell of apple pie and lilacs
(Not necessarily together)

I smile when you're around
Hope, peace, security, poetry
Your friendship restores my faith

It isn't chemical or survival
It's joy, plain and simple

how do i get back?

i'm kinda lost and terribly alone these says. i guess my choices led me here, my fears and doubts and desperations...i hoped someone would see and understand and reach out to rescue me from myself, but i've simply spiraled deeper and deeper into aloneness. no one cared enough to interfere with my self destruction. i've needed someone to just be there, to invite me, offer a ride, save a seat, listen, just show me i'm wanted and not alone. but i am alone.

so i'm trying to make the best of it. i don't cry anymore, don't pity party, don't seek attention or validation. i wrap myself in loneliness and console myself with books and tv and all the sad songs.

the Artist is nearly engaged. Will has all but disappeared. he doesn't need me or want me around anymore and i'm tired of grasping and begging for scraps of his time. i hoped and prayed someone else would come when he was gone, but all that's there is a gaping, aching void i do my best to ignore. i want to move, to go back to when it was happy, or forward to the next happiness, i want out of this moment...but there is no way out yet. I'm trying to learn patience, endurance, faith...but they are so difficult, especially when it hurts so much and hope is so difficult to see. what's the point of going on if no one cares that i exist?

how do i get back to that place where i'm wanted, where i'm surrounded by friends? or, how do i get to that place where i'm in the arms of the love of my life? that's where i'd really like to be. but does that place even exist? i may never know.

FOCUS!

ugh!  i'm having the hardest time this semester.  it's 10:15pm and i haven't started my 5 page paper that is due tomorrow night.  i have to work at 8 in the am until i have to leave to drive up to school so i won't have any time at all to write my paper tomorrow.  i read the story that i'm writing on and have some basic ideas of things i could write about, but my brain isn't actually pulling the thoughts together in coherent strands to form any sort of intelligible writing.

i'm writing about the short story, "Bernice Bobs Her Hair" by F. Scott Fitzgerald.  should i take it from the angle of femininity for the modern woman, showing the differences in opinion of the liberated, opinionated and conniving Marjorie and the old-fashioned, socially oblivious Bernice.  or i could take it from a sort of Frankenstein perspective...Marjorie's selfish and conniving actions drive Bernice to monstrous revenge and Marjorie's ultimate (implied) demise.  or i could talk about how it is a story of identity and self-discovery.  i just don't know.  i'm so unfocused, i can't pull my thoughts together. ugh!

rambling

right now i'm suppose to be writing a paper for my linguistics class...but i'm restless and distracted and i don't know what to say.  so i'm watching Batman Begins and eating Reese's Sticks instead.

last night i had the third date with...we'll call him...wix

the first and second dates were enjoyable and comfortable enough.  maybe i was in a grouchy mood yesterday...maybe he was having an off day...i don't know, but i found myself wishing i had stayed home to do my homework (or more realistically, lie on the couch and watch tv or movies) instead.  parts were fun.  he took me to a social dance class he attends most weeks.  we started out in a big circle, paired up for instruction.  every so often they would have the guys rotate, so everyone dances with multiple partners.  one guy in particular was a very good dancer.  if he had been a little taller i would have tried flirting with him...but it was fun dancing with him for a while.  after instruction, everyone paired off and they turned on music for us to dance however we wanted.  maybe i was a little tense, but wix was too loose.  his tension was too lax and his footwork was floppy and sloppy.  the worst part is that he thinks he's a pretty good dancer.  most definitely not my ideal dance partner.
but, that sort of thing can be overlooked...or instructed and improved...so it doesn't have to be a deal breaker.  so why am i now significantly less interested than i was before?

first of all, he is sincerely lacking in grace and charm.  i want someone classy and chivalrous.  i want someone who makes me feel beautiful, intelligent, feminine, and special.  he is overly opinionated.  told me the foggy windows in the car were my fault because i'm "hotter" than him.  he didn't even open the car door for me when we got in the car after dancing.  when we were dancing, he...well...i guess he was flirting, but it struck me as goofy and a little creepy instead of romantic and exciting. 
i want a man who will look in my eyes and see what's deeper, see the beauty and call it such, rather than making me feel trite and objectified by calling me "hott" or "sexy" or some other undignified term.  i am classy and dignified (for the most part) and i want a man who is the same in that respect.  i want someone who is serious and takes relationships seriously, but who knows how and when to have fun.  i want someone who knows what he's doing and will work hard to get what he wants out of life.  wix seems a little lazy and lacking in any real drive or direction.

i don't know.  maybe i'm judging him too harshly.  all i know is that my measuring sticks are Will, The Artist, and Pacman, and wix falls severely short of the least end of any of them.  i've settled too much in the past and i'm not doing it again.  if that means i'm alone, so be it.  i've become rather content on my own these days.  i really wish i could find the love of my life, but i guess i have to learn to be patient.  i had a thought last night as i was considering the date and wix and other guys i've dated or who have liked me.  all i could think is "why do i always get the weirdos and the scraps?  why can't i be liked by the kind of guys i like (such as Will, The Artist, and Pacman)?  they like me well enough as a friend...and they say you marry your friends...so when will one of these friends (not these specifically, but a man like them) decide to be in love with me?  only God knows.  so, patience.  there are men around who will have me, who will want me enough that if i'm not careful i'll settle for one.  but i don't want to settle simply because i'm desperate for someone, anyone!

if i went for wix now, i'd be settling, just because he's the only one paying any attention to me.  he's not enough of what i want and too much of what i don't want.  but how do i tell him that?  and what do i do in those lonely moments when i wish i had someone?  how do i console myself with a vague hope that the love of my life is really out there somewhere...and that he'd worth waiting for as long as it takes?

uh-oh, the power just went out and my computer has been telling me for months that i need to replace the battery...i better turn it off and go to bed.  i hope i can come up with something to write for my paper by noon tomorrow.  i have time between my classes, but i don't know if it will be enough time to write what i need to.  i guess we'll see.

power's back on.  i should probably stop rambling now and start writing my paper.

It's taken time and a lot of work, but I'm coming up.  I'm not 100% yet, but I'm getting there.  My final semester of my Bachelor degree is underway.  My only real debt is my student loans.  I enjoy my job (for the most part).  I'm no longer taking medication.  I've come to terms with Will's general absence.  I'm working on my spirituality.  I've been on two dates with the same guy...with a third scheduled for tomorrow.  I enjoy being with him, and he seems to like me...at least well enough to want to continue going out with me. 

I don't feel tingles and butterflies like I use to when I was interested in someone.  In a lot of ways he's not what I think I want, but he's taller, older, and intriguing, so I'm willing to see if it goes anywhere.  I want to love someone, at least for a while; someone to look forward to seeing and spending time with.

I'm done with the Weasel and Bobpi.  I'm done being afraid of being in a relationship.  I'm done being afraid of being happy.  I've isolated myself and pushed everyone away, blaming the depression when maybe it's just fear.  I don't know, but I'm changing the way I look at things, the way I go about doing things...especially interactions with people.  I've burned bridges and I don't think I'll ever be able to be the kind of friends I want to be with certain people, but I have to learn from what's happened, let it go, and move forward with a better perspective and way of doing things.

I hope it gets better.  I hope it continues to get better.  I'm doing my best, I hope it's good enough.

Alien

I've perfected pushing people away. I've been working on it my whole life, so I ought tone a pro by now. Bestest Friend is my very best friend because she is the only person in my life who has ever refused to leave. I pushed as hard as I could, but she held on and at times pushed back. She's the one and only reason I can't give up, even though I wish with all my heart I could. One isn't enough. You need at least two or three. A whole community is best, but at least two or three. Bestest Friend is patient and understanding. She listens to my heartache and fear, disappointment, sorrow, doubt. But she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't quite understand what's going on inside my head, so she can't help me know what to do.
Will gets it. It's basically the same, just manifesting in a different way. I've been pushing him. I haven't a clue what's kept him around this long, but somehow he keeps saying he cares (not in quite the way I need him to, but he does).

He told me I need to open myself to others. He said I alienate myself and I need to stop. But I don't know how. When people ask how I am, I want to tell them the truth, with the hope they somehow really care and can help me find the answers I can't see on my own. But so few people really understand, and even fewer really want the truth. And fewer still actually want to help.

I've been there for countless people when they were in need, but where are they in my need? Even Will. I stood by him, supported and encouraged him. I was there when he needed compassion and someone to understand. But now that I need him, he says he can't be the friend I need him to be. He's the only one...there isn't anyone else. So if he's unwilling, where does that leave me? He says he cares, that he's still here; not abandoning me, not going away...but not really there either. He refuses to be pushed, but is keeping his distance, blaming life instead of choice. But it is choice.

I need friends. I need a support system of people who genuinely care and who understand I'm just having a hard time right now. But I'm trapped in a paradox, the more I seek for and ask for the help I need, the more alone and hopeless I become. I don't understand why no one is there.
I don't know what to do. I can't reach out because I'm too fragile for more rejection and shunning right now. I wish someone would care enough to rally some troops to help me fight this war I can't win on my own. I need someone to push back when I fight against their friendship. I now it isn't fair, it's not intentional behavior, it's a poor coping mechanism. A fight or flight(well,in my case, fight and flight) response. I don't mean to. I don't want to. I just don't know any other way. I need help but can't find it. No matter how hard I try, or how deep and far I search, it's just never enough. I don't know what more to do. I can't do it alone, but no one is there (mostly because I pushed them away and they didn't understand or didn't care enough to stay).

remember, o please remember!

it was a bad week.  long hours at work, short hours of sleep, not enough food, and not enough friendship.  Tuesday was the best day of the week.  had a good session with my shrink, a lot of laughing, and The Artist came over after i got off work.  we talked, which is always nice.  i miss hanging out with him all the time.  we're both really busy and don't have enough time to really do much...plus he has a girlfriend, so that generally knocks out the weekends.  but he still makes time for me...and his girlfriend seems to be okay with me, we're becoming friends.

Wednesday, though, was a terrible day.  i could feel it by the time i got to work at 8am.  i didn't feel well, didn't want to be at work, and REALLY didn't want to go to school after.  i sent a text to Will in an effort to boost my spirits.  he had said we could do something on Friday, so i thought that maybe solidifying those plans would give me something to look forward to and help me get through the rest of the week.  but he took forever to respond, and when he finally did, he said he could do lunch but had to work in the evening.  this sent me spinning.  i was scheduled till 4:30pm and therefore couldn't "do lunch."  i panicked, as i'm prone to doing these days when it feels like he couldn't care less.  i'm so grateful that he is ever patient and understanding with me when i get in that dark place.  he still doesn't know the right words to use, i still haven't figured out how to say what i mean and make specific requests, but i'm getting there. 

he told me he didn't know when but that we would do something soon.  it felt like a brush-off.  i fretted and stewed the rest of the week, unable to focus on anything productive, unable to find any hope or reason to smile.  my co-workers were great and understanding.
Thursday wasn't great, i couldn't focus in my classes and i didn't feel well at work.  after work i went to Bestest Friend's house.  Shygirl was supposed to be there too, but she forgot.  it was okay.  i was feeling lousy and bitter and needed Bestest Friend to myself.  as we were talking, her sweet little 14 month old Ellie Dawn tottered over and wrapped her arms around my neck.  she's never done that before.  she sat on my lap and cuddled with me for a few minutes, as if to say, "it's okay Auntie, everything will be okay. i love you!"  it was so very sweet. despite that, i was still quite distressed when i left.

Friday was a miserable day at work for both Cass and me, and the boss wasn't there so we just stickered and commiserated.
after work i went home and collapsed on the floor in the hallway outside of my bedroom.  i had no strength or desire to do anything.  i had nowhere to be, no one to call, no one was requesting my presence anywhere.  i didn't know what to do, so i just lay there in the dark.  the tears that had been flooding all week were dammed, i was too tired and emotionally drained to even feel.

when i got around to checking my phone it showed a missed call from my mom.  i expected to hear her voice on the message, but instead it was my 5 year old nephew The Kid.  he told me to come over and play with him (my parents were babysitting).  so i changed my clothes and jumped in the car.  i had barely gotten out of the car when i heard his voice, "Laura!"
i played with my nephews for a while.  the 2 year old, (we'll call him Puppy because he has the cutest little puppy dog face and he loves to look at the puppies on Gampa's phone) always wants me to "SPIN!" when he sees me.  he runs to me, throws out his arms and says, "SPIN!"
after spinning and running around a bit, Puppy asked if they could watch a movie.  we turned on How to Train Your Dragon, and The Kid cuddled up on my lap to watch.  they made me feel a bit better.

i left when it was time for them to go to bed.  somewhere along the course of the day i decided i would stop by Will's work and at least get a hug, even if he didn't have time for anything else.  by the time i got there, though, i was so overwrought by distressing thoughts that i couldn't bring myself to walk in.  i wandered around the mall, passing the store a couple of times.  i finally got up the guts to walk just inside the door, but he was nowhere in sight.  i had glimpsed him one of the times i passed the entrance, so i at least convinced myself that he was indeed at work (until then, i was nearly certain he had lied because he really didn't want to hang out with me and was actually out with someone else...like Queen Bee...i really hate that i still can't shake my jealousy over her.  i'm really not a jealous person, only in certain circumstances.  she threatens me and my fragile happiness because she doesn't want me around and everyone would rather hang out with her than with me and it really, really hurts.  i guess i'm afraid she'll eventually convince Will to stop being friends with me altogether).  when i get in that dark, irrational place, being with Will is the one and only thing i've found that dispels the panic.  i wish i could just carry him around in my pocket all the time...

anyway, i chickened out and went home.  before i left the parking lot, i sent Will a text, asking if he could come over when he got off work, or at least tell me when he will make time for me.  when i got home i curled up on the couch and turned on 28 Days with Sandra Bullock.  it wasn't holding my attention.  he text me when he got off work and asked if i was busy Sunday afternoon.  i was disappointed that he didn't understand my urgency and rush right over.  he said he could hang out for an hour or so on Sunday afternoon.  i was disappointed further that that was all the time he could spare for me.  he keeps telling me that he cares, but i can't see it when he's never available and rarely talks to me anymore...especially when my need for his friendship and active presence in my life is so strong.  he said he could probably do something Saturday afternoon, but i didn't respond.  i was so distraught that i just couldn't say anything or i knew i would snap at him.  so he called me.

he came over this afternoon and we (finally) went for a ride in his "new" car.  he bought it used from a private seller, and he's had it about a month.  he kept promising he'd take me for a ride, but he's been too busy.  we drove around a bit, stopped at Grey Whale and The Chocolate (my first time) where he bought me a cookie.  we sat in the cute little shop and ate our cookies and talked.  then we went back to my house.  we watched some Big Bang Theory and he helped me refine my ldssingles.com profile.  we had a good time.

then, just as he was about to leave, i asked if we could talk for a minute.  i had been trying to work up my courage to bring it up the whole time we were together.  i have such a difficult time talking when it's important.  i need to remember that i can talk to Will about anything, any time.  i wish i could stop panicking and stop letting fear and doubt talk me into thinking he's like the scumbags i've known.  he's not leaving.  he cares and is there when i need him.  he said i just need to ask...but also remember that he's busy, but he'll make time for me when he can.  i told him i need him to use more words. i need him to talk to me and act like he still wants me around and tell me what he means. he said he had remembered that I worked until 4:30 on Friday and that when he said we could meet for lunch, he had meant after I was off work. i told him 4:30pm wasn't lunch, and that I need him to tell me what he means with more words because i'm too easily confused. he said he understood, that he know how it is to feel like you're in a one sided relationship and that he'd try to give me more words. i asked if he could maybe write some down for me to hold on to when i start to feel alone.
when he left, i told him i wish he was my brother. he asked if my parents would adopt him. i said i would even if they didn't.

i wish i could explain my feelings for Will, why i'm so desperate to keep him in my life, but i don't fully understand it, he is the best help i've found...better than any drug or shrink or chocolate. as long as his friendship touches my life, i feel hopeful, like life is worth living, like God knows me and actually does love me and want me to succeed. my faith is shaky right now. i can't endure on my own. i keep looking and asking for help, begging and pleading for help, but nothing and no one has the same ability to make me feel so much better so quickly. i've been through too much and i can't finish recovering on my own. i'm so close. if he just sticks around a little longer, i'll finally push through he end of it and find myself, finally whole and healed. i wish i had Dom othe reliable, patient, understanding and compassionate souls to help me, but i guess Bestest Friend, Will, and The Artist will have to do for now. and my nieces and nephews :)

Fear

something is really wrong with my brain.  things i know don't stick, don't compute properly.  will's not leaving, he's not gone.  he came over tonight and didn't leave until he got me to tell him some of what was on my mind last week.  i had convinced myself to drop it, to just forget it all and not talk to him.  he was sick, that's why he didn't hang out with me last week.  a text telling me he was sick would have really helped me not get all depressed and panicked, but i called a different friend instead and she talked me through it so i didn't assault will with panic...again.  i try so hard to talk myself down, to remind myself that people care, even when they don't show it the way i want them to...or as often as i want them to.  i've got to find a way to break down the fear.  will said i need to stop hiding behind my defenses and start trusting people with more of myself than i do now.  i don't open myself to people until i know they care...and even then, i often regret opening up, allowing the fear to take over and convince me that they will simply use the information, the access to my vulnerability, i've given them against me.

how did i become so afraid?  how did i get to this point of closing myself off so entirely?  i don't trust.  i really don't know that there's anyone in the world i trust completely, not even bestest friend.  i sometimes doubt...but she's been through everything with me from the time i was 13, 14, something like that.  i trust her more than anyone.  i trust the artist, mostly.  i trust will...as long as he's with me, or as long as it hasn't been too many days since i've seen him.  those days are getting longer and further between though...

you know, i had a thought tonight.  the main thing i'm afraid of is being happy and having what i want.  if things actually were to work out and be what i want and i am happy, i'm afraid it won't last, or that something horrible is going to happen to balance crush the happy.  the fear isn't completely irrational; it happens, it has happened, a lot.  i finally find a good, seemingly steady group of friends and i finally begin to feel content and even happy...then disaster strikes and the group is obliterated, shattering into many fragments...and i'm left alone.  but will said tonight that i'm not alone, that there will always be people who care and who are there for me.  bestest friend was the only one who came to mind.  she knows me better than anyone, even my family.  the artist is pretty solid...and his girlfriend and i are becoming pretty good friends, so that's a huge relief!  she's not threatened by my friendship with him, which means we can stay good friends.  if i lost bestest friend or the artist, i think i'd go completely nuts.  i think will grouped himself in there as well.  he said he's got my back, that he has to sign off on any guys i date, that he won't let me get involved with another skunkweasel of any sort.  i wish he'd been around the first time...maybe i wouldn't be having such a hard time now.  but for whatever reason, the plan was for things to go the way they have. 

i'm so grateful that he's here now, and that he's patient and understanding and willing to stick by me and help me heal.  i've got to get rid of my fear and just allow myself to be happy.  i have what i have always wanted...i just need to let myself believe it and enjoy it.

i'll go

i need a new place.  i need new people.  i'll keep a few; those few who have stayed with me all this time...Bestest Friend and The Artist.  or maybe just Bestest Friend.  she is my one constant.

i don't understand.  why are people so false, so fleeting, so fickle?  why do people say one thing and do the opposite?  why aren't they there when i need them most?

i haven't been going to church.  it's too hard to be there, excluded.  church is supposed to be safe.  church is supposed to be the place where you can go and belong and feel loved and accepted.  i am unwanted.  i don't know why, but i am.  just one true friend, that's all i ask...this is the first ward i've ever been in (except maybe the cedar city wards) where i can't find just one true friend.  i don't have a place.  nothing feels right.  everything is wrong.  it hurts.

i need to find a better paying job so i can move and start completely new.  i'll wipe the slate clean.  i'll delete them from my facebook and just disappear...they won't even notice.  they don't notice my absence now, not enough to request my presence.  even Will.  i need to find a new place so i stop hoping tonight will finally be the night when the ones who should want my friendship will open their arms to me and welcome me in.  i tried to fit for a while but friendship shouldn't be that hard.  i accept that they don't want me.  this isn't my place anymore.  i'll work and go to school and focus on my studies and forget about social life this semester.  maybe i can find another job to fill in the cracks.


then i'll make money, find a fairly inexpensive little apartment somewhere and move away from all the hurt...and find a new place to start over.  i want to be involved, but this is not the place.

change is good.  i have a tendency to cling to what has been...try to make it stay what is.  but it's not working.  so i have to figure out how to let it go.  tonight i was talking to a friend and she told me that when a friendship or relationship becomes more detrimental than beneficial to your mental and emotional well being, no matter how much it hurts, it's time to let it go.  Will's lack of availability and consideration and...etc...is causing a lot of heartache and stress.  the thought of not being friends, or not being as close friends as we heretofore have been wrenches my heart beyond my ability to express.  but clearly he doesn't have room in his life for me anymore beyond a short lunch once in a while.  he says he's still here...but he's not.  it hurts so much.  i don't want to let go.  i don't want to lose him.  the void is too wide and gaping without him.  but maybe it's time i let the void swallow me and spit me out on the other side.  maybe something better is waiting for me on the other side. 

i'm not afraid of letting go of the past.  i'm not afraid of starting something new...
i'm afraid of the space between.  more specifically, the duration...it's already lasted too long.  i can't figure out how to get out of it.  i don't know where to find the new start.

i wish people would just be nice and kind and friendly and invite me to be involved.  i don't understand why they don't want me in their group.  i know i complain a lot on here and i sound really whiny and negative, but i'm not like that in person.  i'm nice and fun and positive and can be really interesting and entertaining when i'm given the opportunity.  i don't understand why they don't want me around.  i'm a great person, a great friend (when people let me be). 

oh well. i guess there's somewhere else i'm supposed to be.  i hope i find it soon.

the void

just one someone to be...there...here...
but the void is all i can ever rely on
to be...there...here...
seems to be someone for everyone
...except me...
i just need one someone to talk to.

i can't sleep.  i don't want the new year to begin.  i've been working on optimism since i realized...but now i see that i didn't really, fully, realize until tonight.  The Artist, my The Artist, isn't mine anymore.  by this time next year...i'll be very surprised if he's not...i like her...we're being friends-ish...but everything changes now, and i'm afraid he won't notice...and i'll be the one with the broken heart again.
i knew it was coming.  i was ok with it most of last year...because i had Will to fill in the extending void...but now...well...he's not really there anymore either...

tonight i'm feeling overcome, swallowed and drowning in the void.  everyone...by this time text year...nearly (if not all) everyone...everything will be different...

i'm hoping somewhere in this new year is...someone for me...but i'm not really sure how to hope...it just seems so...not in the cards for me...i don't know.  i just don't know.