regrouping

i used to be a loner.  it was my choice...sort of.  the depression was bad, the headaches were bad, and most people didn't notice me anyway.  on the rare occasions when people did invite me around, i used the headaches as an excuse to not go. 

in college i decided i was tired of being alone all the time and broke out of the confines i had created for myself, and made friends.  i had a lot of friends for a while.  we were together all the time, busy with fun activities every day.  one of the happiest times of my life.

then things changed, as they do in life.  we graduated, some people got married, others went off to pursue further education, and others just went their own way.  i moved to cedar city for a while, and when i came back, everything was different.  i started making a few new friends, then dated Bobpi.  i was never alone (even though at that point i wanted to be alone so i could recover from the weasel).  not long after Bobpi and i broke up, i got involved in my ward and made a lot of great new friends.  we were tight, and it was like the previous group was reincarnated with different faces.  they were a great distraction from the depression and for just over a year, i was the happiest i've ever been.  almost never alone. 

then, it all fell apart.  the crumbling was gradual.  a person or two here and there stopped coming around, stopped talking.  over the last few months i have spent more and more time all alone.  no one texts, no one calls, no one comes when i invite them anymore.  they all have other friends now; other lives that don't include me.  i'm so tired of connecting with people, forming attachments and then being discarded when something "better" comes along, so i've resisted making new friends.  i just don't have the energy or the heart-capacity to go through it again.

Will has stuck around for a while, but over the last month he's become more and more distant.  he's busy, he's dating, he's making new friends in his new ward.  i'm just not the friend he needs anymore.  the more i've felt him slipping away, the more my sanity has slipped as well.  i still need him, but because he doesn't need me, i get kicked to the curb and replaced with others who are more fun or better distractions...less needy.  i don't blame him.  i know i'm a lot to handle.  i know that when i get into the darkness, people go away and leave me to struggle through on my own.  just when i need them the most, that's when they leave.

so, i'm changing my tactics.  i've been overly dependent on others, i admit it.  with few exceptions, i don't complain or act all gloomy and wretched when i'm around people, but i guess they can feel it.  they see the pain and darkness and scars in my eyes and they don't want to be around me.  i don't blame them, i don't want to be around me either...but i'm stuck.

i have bestest friend, she's been really great.  she's been with me for sixteen years so she understands my darkness and my moods.  she knows that all i need is time and love.  she's the one person who understands me and who knows how to love me.  i thought Will did, but i guess not.  i asked too much, i needed too much.  so i'm going silent, invisible.  i've deactivated my facebook and turned off my phone.  i seek too much external validation and i need to learn to rely solely upon myself and God (and bestest friend).  my expectations get out of control and when they are not met, i get disappointed and depressed.  i have to find a better way.  now's a great time since everyone has abandoned me anyway.  so i'm going back to being a recluse.  it's safer in my own little world.  maybe i'll finally start writing again.

when i regain my footing and rally my personal troupes, i'll come back and be social again.  for now, i guess the brat was right after all.  i've driven everyone away.  i'm going to get back into counseling and see if i can figure out how to fix this once and for all.