i'm just gonna lay it down now

i don't know when it started, i don't remember the last time i was consistently happy for any significant length of time.  i don't know what this sadness is that sets in and won't let go.  it's a loneliness and a fear.  Will helped for a while, i know that.  he still does to some extent, but not as much as he did.  he's been a little distanced the last couple of weeks, since just after R2.  i said the wrong things and he hasn't talked much since.  i got too wrapped up in my own hurt and need, and the sorrow overflowed.  i washed away.  too much feeling, too many tears.  no one to talk to, no one to hold me.  no one to make it alright.  my heart hurts and my chest is tight so i can't breathe.  i feel too much. 

i need to lay it down.  i need to take all that weighs me down and just put it in the ground and leave it to rest.  so many things i keep from the past, let them come back up again and taint the present.  i need new truth.  i asked Will if there was any way to get a new brain, one that works right.  he said he's been asking for one for years.  it's not the whole brain, just certain parts.  i just need to find a way to rewire some of it.  i can't do it alone...but i don't know who is willing (and able) give me the help i need.  Will helps.  i'm so afraid of asking too much (one of the pathways i need to cut out).  i'm so afraid of being a burden.  i'm so afraid that he'll stop caring before i'm done needing him.  all of that fear comes from the broken part of my brain.  all the fear is learned.  i had the wrong teachers in life.  well, i listened to the wrong ones anyway.  how do i fix it?  how do i cut away the lies and replace them with truth?  there has to be a way. 

i don't know where to look.  i've been in and out of therapy over the years.  i'm minoring in Family Studies, more to help myself than for any other reason, because every class is like therapy.  but it's still not clicking.  i'm pretty sure the answer is simply endurance and persistence.  i just have to keep doing what i'm doing, adding in other pieces as they come, and one day it'll all land together.

what i want more than anything is someone who loves me.  i can't do it alone.  i need someone to hold my hand when it gets too dark and scary.  i need someone to wipe the tears when they burst the dam.  i need someone to just be there to say, "it's okay, i love you."  i need someone to help me let go, lay it down, and walk away.