just talk about it

his car was sitting in front of my house when i got home from work.  i told him i was going away for a while then turned off my phone and left it at home when i went to work.  he didn't like that idea.  he tried calling and texting.  he said he would hunt me down.  he said he cares and that disappearing wouldn't be fair to him.  so i guess he's not leaving after all.

everyone leaves.  everyone except bestest friend...and Will. 

i write.  i'm not so good at talking about things, especially if i'm feeling anxious about it.  i've been so tied up over things concerning him, but trying not to be "girly" about it, and so i've been too afraid to talk.  he said to stop and just talk to him about anything, any time.  i need to overcome my fears, if not for myself then for him.  he really deserves more credit than my anxiety gives him.  he has come through for me so much, especially over the last few months, i don't deserve his generosity and kindness.  but i'm so inexplicably grateful for him.

he fights my dragons.  he even said he kind of wishes the weasel would come back so he could punch him in the nose and scare him away for good.  i've never had a guy stand up for me like that.  he made dinner (curry), and creme brulee (twice because he didn't do it right the first time).  he watches movies with me, reads books, even discusses Shakespeare.  he really is the best guy friend i've ever had.  The Artist is very nearly tied, but he's never made dinner for me, and he knew the weasel and didn't see the danger i was in...so i'll have to rank him half a notch below Will.  i'm very grateful for them both.

anyway, i need to re-learn to talk.  if i have to write it down, i should read it to him in person instead of sending it to him.  we talked all about things tonight.  we'll find a way to compromise.  we're learning; we'll get there.

 i hate that the adversary knows my buttons.  people are where he attacks, my relationship with people is where he knows he can get me.  i'm insecure with so many episodes of rejection and abandonment that the slightest hint can set me spinning. 

when he left tonight, he hugged me (a little longer and tighter than normal) and told me he loves me and just wants me to be happy.  i told him i'm working on it.  his friendship makes me happy.  the idea of losing his friendship makes me lose my mind.  i've never known anyone like him and i need him to stick around...for a very long time. 

i realized tonight that part of my trouble has been that i've been putting expectations on him.  i have a picture in my mind of the "perfect friend" and i've been trying to make him fit into that image.  but he's not that person.  he has qualities i never thought to imagine.  and while there are a few he lacks that i wish he had, i'll start appreciating him for all he is and stop comparing him to a fantasy.  it seems to me that a lesson to be learned here is that sometimes we look so hard for what we think we want that we don't see that something better is right in front of us.

so, when i start panicking again, remind me that he cares about me, and just to talk about it.