Purpose

For years words came easily to me.  I had a lot to say, a lot to write anyway.  Then the words went away.  My imagination blunted and dimmed, diminishing and halting imagery and rhyme.  I barely wrote at all for a while.  Then suddenly the inspiration rained from the most unlikely source.  For a few months, I wrote again, like before...no, better than before.  I wrote poems worth publishing!  One poem even received a fair amount of attention and prestige.  For a brief, shimmering moment, I thought maybe I could actually make something of myself as a poet, a writer.

The end of Spring semester brought an unexpected chain of events.  A lot of things changed all at once and I found myself unable to cope with a lot of it.  Suddenly I felt unsteady and out of control.  I didn't realize I was walking on sand until I felt it shifting under my feet.  By the time I saw the waves crashing around me, I was already gasping for breath.  As far as I know, it's impossible to write under water.

For a while I did well enough, dwelling in distraction: sleeping too much, watching movies, surrounding myself with friends.  But then the distractions diminished and I broke down.  I panicked over some unnecessary worries and went into a pretty dark place.  The anxiety and depression really wiped me out for a couple of weeks.  I felt that my life was completely devoid of purpose.  The words were gone again and I started thinking I should find a new path, something else to live for.  But I couldn't think of anything.  Writing was my second choice as it is.  I don't have a back up plan for my back up.  It seems I need to find one.  I need to find something that gives my life purpose and meaning that isn't dependent on opportunity or talent.  Something that just always is.  I need an anchor, something that is always available to cling to when the rest of the world gets washed away.

I know what it should be.  And to some extent it is...but not enough.  I need to make it more a priority in my life.  I need to stop distracting myself and deal with what I've been avoiding.  The trouble is that I keep "dealing" with the same things over and over.  I'm okay for a while, then I circle around again and nothing ever really seems to be resolved.  I need a cure, not just a bandage or a crutch.  But I'm beginning to wonder if I'll be crippled forever.  Maybe a good crutch is all I can really hope for.  I don't know.

How do I know whether to have the faith to be healed or the faith to endure?  Maybe it's the same either way.  I have to endure until I'm healed, or endure until I die...either way, it's about faith.  Figuring out a purpose, a path to tread, a reason to endure...that's what I need to do.  So where do I find that?  Thus far, I've found my reason in people.  People have always been my purpose, my light, my hope, my happiness.  But the trouble with that is that people are generally unreliable.  They're here for a while but then they are gone and once again I am left standing alone and purposeless...lost, anxious, depressed. 

I know I can't always be dependent on people, but right now, they're all I have.  We are God's hands, right?  We are often the tools God uses to answer prayers.  I have a couple of really good friends who have proven that they are there for me when I really need someone.  One friend in particular has been especially helpful recently.  I don't understand why he's the one God is using.  I don't understand why I've been blessed now with the friend I've been praying so hard my whole life for and not before now.  All I know is that he's stuck around when he could have left, and that with him is the one place I feel completely safe, accepted, heard, understood...and hopeful.  He is the only one who calms my anxiety and brings the light that dispels my darkness.  Half the time he doesn't even know.  But I can't depend on him forever.

We've had a lot of similar struggles and tragedies in our lives.  I wish we'd been born twins.  I wish I could have had his strength and optimism in my life from the start, and by my side forever.  But I'm just a friend.  I don't have any claim to him, no more than he gives me anyway.  He says he needs me too.  He says I help him too.  So maybe he will stick around for a while longer.  But I do need to find another anchor, another purpose.

People are my purpose.  I'm happiest, most sane, most productive, most hopeful when I'm with people. I feel most like myself when I am helping people...mainly when I'm listening to them, when they let me love them and comfort them.  My anxiety and fear and depression kick in when I feel like no one needs me, no one wants me...or when those who once did don't need me or want me anymore.

How do I let it go?  How do I adjust more quickly when people go away?  How do I keep from spiraling into a breakdown when I'm alone too long or when too many things change all at once?