Alone Time

It wasn't my first choice.  In fact, I wouldn't have chosen it on my own, not with my recent mindset, but it happened all the same.  I had to work when he was free; she was busy when I wanted her undivided attention; headaches, allergies, dates (on their part, not mine), short hours at work...et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.  So, what it boils down to is that this week left me spending a lot of time alone.

Now, I have to admit that I'm sure there were a lot of people I could have called who would have been more than willing to spend some of that time with me...but for various reasons, I came to realize that although I've been avoiding it for months, what I really did need was to be on my own.

Alone has come to be something of a swear word for me over the last year or so.  Any extended period of alone time (particularly in the evening), has sent me into anxious and depressed spirals.  I can't really go into detail, the reasons don't really matter much anyway because they are generally based in incorrect perspectives.  A lot of it is rooted in various forms of fear and insecurity.  I've given in too much to the lies and deception of the Dark Side, and it's easier to see the truth when I'm with other people.  The shadows and fears are strongest when I'm alone.

This week, though, something changed.  Monday and Tuesday began with texts from Will, asking if I was free to just chill, hang out at his place and read, watch a movie, talk, whatever.  His requests reminded me how far our friendship has come in the last few months, and gave me the extra nudge I needed to get through the day, even though I was working and unable to be with him...then he was busy by the time I was free.  Wednesday I didn't work but he was busy and we barely communicated at all.  I slept in, made cookies with Bestest Friend, then spent the rest of the day reading and watching movies.  Pola came over around 9pm and we watched 6 and 7.1 of Harry Potter.  Thursday I slept in, watched Valentine's Day, cried, had a little pity party, then went to work for a couple of hours.  After work I didn't know what to do because I hadn't heard from Will at all, didn't feel like driving downtown to hang out with Pola, and The Artist wasn't available.  I tried going to a movie, but the ones I wanted to see were sold out.

I went to Walmart to see if there were any good $5 movies, but while I was there I got a text from HeyPay telling me to come over and watch Harry Potter 7.1 with her, Pants and Chelle in preparation for us going to see 7.2 the next evening.  Just after we started the movie I got a text from Will asking if I wanted to watch a movie with him.  I stayed with the girls.

No work Friday, though I'm drawing a complete blank on what I did (I think I just watched movies, read, and wrote a blog post) until my nephews came over around 3:30 or 4pm.  I played with them for a bit, ate dinner, then The Artist and Fozzy came over to ride with me to the theater for Harry Potter!

Saturday I worked for 3 hours before they sent me home because we didn't have enough customers.  Pola asked me to run some errands with her but I didn't feel like being around people.  I watched more movies and read instead.  Then I went to hang out with Shygirl (I haven't seen her since April when she got married), then to watch HeyPay, Pants and Chelle perform a skit in their ward talent show.

It was Saturday when I realized I was actually feeling more content alone than with people.  I didn't feel so anxious or lonely as I have, I didn't feel the need to text Will just to reassure myself that someone cared.  I didn't feel the need to talk to anyone in order to calm my nerves or boost my spirits.

Maybe I'm coming up.  Maybe I can make it after all.  I have friends and people who love me, who like having me around, and who are there for me even through my darkness...but I can be content on my own as well.

I used to need my alone time.  I used to be most content alone.  Then things happened and I couldn't stand to be alone.  Now I'm going to work on finding a balance and being content either way.  I am still doing the distraction thing with the movies, books, music, and such, but I'm a big step closer to regaining my independence!