hermit

i realize i've kind of been stuck in a pity party for a while.  just as i began to think happiness was an option, life took a sudden, unexpected detour and i crashed...again.  now i'm hiding.  i don't fit into society anymore.  somewhere i recrossed a threshold and now i'm back to being 14 years old with one or two real friends and surrounded by people who could care less if i exist.  where went all the people who care about me?  i needed kindness and support, friendship and love, and i was given silence, rejection, and loneliness.  well, whatever. 

i stopped writing.  i stopped caring.  i stopped trying. 

when i wasn't at work or school, i took up residence on the couch in the downstairs TV room.  no one wanted me anywhere else, so i locked myself away and lost myself in the fantasies of others.  distraction is best when you're your own worst enemy.

how do i hold on to myself when the world shifts that way?  how do i maintain dignity when people don't behave the way i wish they would?  how do i care about myself even when no one else does?  how do i exist in a society that doesn't understand or accept me?  how do i find truth and clarity of vision?  how do i seek out and hold on to light when all around me is suffocating darkness?

supposedly i have the answers.  i have The Gospel.  i have the truth in my pocket; i've been taught the truth my whole life through church and seminary and institute and personal study...and yet...the most important part just won't stick.  i need help but i don't know where to turn or how to ask.  i beg and plead in prayer, but i don't seem to get anywhere.  i don't know what else to do.

since no one misses me, i'll just hide out for a while longer.