i'll go

i need a new place.  i need new people.  i'll keep a few; those few who have stayed with me all this time...Bestest Friend and The Artist.  or maybe just Bestest Friend.  she is my one constant.

i don't understand.  why are people so false, so fleeting, so fickle?  why do people say one thing and do the opposite?  why aren't they there when i need them most?

i haven't been going to church.  it's too hard to be there, excluded.  church is supposed to be safe.  church is supposed to be the place where you can go and belong and feel loved and accepted.  i am unwanted.  i don't know why, but i am.  just one true friend, that's all i ask...this is the first ward i've ever been in (except maybe the cedar city wards) where i can't find just one true friend.  i don't have a place.  nothing feels right.  everything is wrong.  it hurts.

i need to find a better paying job so i can move and start completely new.  i'll wipe the slate clean.  i'll delete them from my facebook and just disappear...they won't even notice.  they don't notice my absence now, not enough to request my presence.  even Will.  i need to find a new place so i stop hoping tonight will finally be the night when the ones who should want my friendship will open their arms to me and welcome me in.  i tried to fit for a while but friendship shouldn't be that hard.  i accept that they don't want me.  this isn't my place anymore.  i'll work and go to school and focus on my studies and forget about social life this semester.  maybe i can find another job to fill in the cracks.


then i'll make money, find a fairly inexpensive little apartment somewhere and move away from all the hurt...and find a new place to start over.  i want to be involved, but this is not the place.

change is good.  i have a tendency to cling to what has been...try to make it stay what is.  but it's not working.  so i have to figure out how to let it go.  tonight i was talking to a friend and she told me that when a friendship or relationship becomes more detrimental than beneficial to your mental and emotional well being, no matter how much it hurts, it's time to let it go.  Will's lack of availability and consideration and...etc...is causing a lot of heartache and stress.  the thought of not being friends, or not being as close friends as we heretofore have been wrenches my heart beyond my ability to express.  but clearly he doesn't have room in his life for me anymore beyond a short lunch once in a while.  he says he's still here...but he's not.  it hurts so much.  i don't want to let go.  i don't want to lose him.  the void is too wide and gaping without him.  but maybe it's time i let the void swallow me and spit me out on the other side.  maybe something better is waiting for me on the other side. 

i'm not afraid of letting go of the past.  i'm not afraid of starting something new...
i'm afraid of the space between.  more specifically, the duration...it's already lasted too long.  i can't figure out how to get out of it.  i don't know where to find the new start.

i wish people would just be nice and kind and friendly and invite me to be involved.  i don't understand why they don't want me in their group.  i know i complain a lot on here and i sound really whiny and negative, but i'm not like that in person.  i'm nice and fun and positive and can be really interesting and entertaining when i'm given the opportunity.  i don't understand why they don't want me around.  i'm a great person, a great friend (when people let me be). 

oh well. i guess there's somewhere else i'm supposed to be.  i hope i find it soon.