meltdown

he said i need to believe i can have what i want.  it's ironic coming from him because he is the one standing in the way of what i want most.  what can i do?  walk away? totally unnecessary.  i don't have to move at all.  he's already gone.  i can't do it alone, but i have to.  not entirely, bestest friend is still with me.  she's my anchor.  she's my sanity.  she's my survival.  i would have been gone a long time ago if not for her.  i think a lot these days about going home.  i yell at the sky "please just let me die, i can't do it anymore" but the answer is always no.  i beg Him to take me home.  but He refuses. 
so, i'll stay...until He takes her away.  i can't make any promises after that.

she let me cry and complain.  she let me rant and validated my frustration.  she listened and encouraged me to keep going until i was done.  she invited me to stay for dinner. she made me smile.  she let me hold her baby girl.  she gave me a safe place.  i wish i could have stayed.

my parents didn't notice, didn't care...they never do.  no listening, no hearing, no validating, no compassion.  i curl like a fetus and sob until my eyes are swollen and my head throbs.  the tears won't end.  i don't know how to make them stop.  something's broken. i take the medication but it isn't helping.  at least i'm not retching this time.  i'm stressed and tense.  i'm overwhelmed.  my head won't stop hurting. i don't rest.  i don't eat much. 

i know the solution.  i don't need drugs.  i know what would help more than anything.  but it's out of my reach.  what i want most is just beyond my grasp.

so i'll disappear.  i'll be silent.  i'll let the flood wash me away.  no one will even notice i'm gone.