i just don't know what to do. i wish someone else could make all my decisions for me while i look on, watching, learning how to do it. that's one way i learn best. if i can see someone else do it, i can generally mimic their patterns and procedures. the trouble is that we are all different and in life, mimicking the way someone else does things can lead to opposite and negative results. i learned to "cope" by watching the way my mother and father "dealt" with things. ineffectively. ineffectively for me at least.
i don't know the way. i don't know my way. i don't know god's way for me.
the ways i wanted to go were all closed for construction or something. i've taken so many detours i'm not sure i'm even on the same map anymore. i try to retrace my steps and find a different way, but going back just brings fear and anger and darkness. i can't go back, i can't go forward (because every attempt just leads to another sidestep or looping detour). so i circle, trying new tactics that always just lead back into the same circle. i don't know how to get out of this wretched roundabout!
with Will, i thought i'd finally found someone who knew a better way. he tries to help. he's been frustrated with the same kinds of obstacles. but he's a man and goes into the cave when things get bad. i'm a woman and i need people. but people aren't really there when i need them most. people say they care, but in the worst moments, they run away and can't be found.
except Will. i should be able to trust him by now. why don't i? why do i still suspect him of lying? why do i still fear that he's just waiting for the opportune moment to desert me? why am i so afraid to give him time to miss me? the last one is easy, because i'm afraid he won't. but that just brings us back to the beginning...why don't i trust him? he said he's staying. he said he loves me, he needs me, he intends to be friends with me for as long as possible. and yet, i keep asking for reassurance.
i'm pretty sure i know the source of my paranoia. i should be over that by now. it's been almost 4 years since the last time we were together. it's been over a year and a half since he last tried to make contact. but i'm still paralyzed by his influence. i've talked to numerous therapists about it, but none of them have been able to help me find closure.
bestest friend and i were talking the other night and i confessed that for some twisted reason i miss him. my life feels wrong without him, it's too stable without his incessant coming and going. it's cold and lonely without his arms around me and the constancy of his presence and attention (in the on phases). i felt attractive and desirable when i was with him. i felt known and acknowledged. so often these days i feel completely overlooked, invisible. he saw me, knew me...so well he used it against me. that's where the confusion comes in. i love that he knew me so well...better than anyone (in some ways, even better than bestest friend), and yet, that greatest of all my desires (to be completely known by another human being) is what made him so lethal. he took everything i was and twisted me inside out until i became completely unrecognizable.
now i'm terrified of anyone who knows me. Will is so much like him in so many ways. that's why i'm so afraid. Will's the friend i desperately needed the other to be. Will is so important to me for many reasons, but one of the greatest is because of the similarities...and the differences. Will actually genuinely cares. he wants to help and would never use anything against me, least of all my own self. but i have nothing to give him, nothing he really needs from me. i can't guarantee that he'll stick around or that i can get him back if he leaves like i could the other. i don't know Will's buttons. i don't know how to get him to talk about the really important things. i don't know how to read his thoughts or expressions. i trust him more than i trust anyone besides bestest friend, and yet, i don't trust him with what is most important. but i'm trying.
he used to ask me when i would trust him. now Will asked the same question and it felt like a kick in the stomach. i saw his face and heard his voice and felt his hands, the guard in his eyes, and i knew why i never trusted him...he wasn't worth my trust in the least. but Will is...i think.
bestest friend wants to sign me up for online dating. i've been adamantly opposed to meeting people over the internet since Sotola and Chad (the first guys i met online when i was 14 or so and the internet was newish). Chad was my first date, and he promptly stopped all contact after that date. he was a dope. i've been so afraid of any possibility of dating. i'm terrified of making another wrong decision and getting involved with another skunkweasel. or maybe no one will want me at all.
Will keeps telling me i'm beautiful and lovable. not enough for him...he has one great flaw and that is not loving and needing me like i do him. it's a forgivable flaw as long as he holds true to his word and sticks around. but he's been dating a lot recently and that means he has almost no time at all for me. i wish we'd been born siblings. that's how i want him to care for me. love is such an inadequate and ambiguous word. it means too many things to properly describe any of them.
anyway, i'm rambling. my medication crawled into my brain and i feel dizzy and clouded. i guess i should sleep now. i need a new Will. maybe a Chris this time...or a Peter. i know that doesn't make sense...but i know what i mean and i'm pretty sure no one reads my blog anymore anyway.
it doesn't matter, this is only a small part of me. i write only a miniscule fraction of my person here. i wish someone wanted to know me, all of me. Will doesn't want to know all, but he tolerates and indulges when i ramble. he listens with compassion and not a trace of judgement. i'm grateful for him. i don't want to lose him. i'm not ready to let him go. (but then, bestest friend made a good point the other night, she asked, "will you ever be ready?" no. never. if i could have it my way, i'd have him beside me always. he said he'll stay, but will i drive him away with my fear and lack of trust? i really hope not. that would be too much for me to bear. when i'm with him, it's the happiest and most at peace i've ever been. how can i let go of that?
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